Dinner choice deficit theory
I have come up with a theory as to why second families fail especially when one party has kids. I call it the dinner choice deficit theory.
Basically, the idea is that in a normal adult relationships with no kids each adult chooses dinner 50 percent of the time with each party randomly giving the other 10 percent of their percentage sometimes to be nice.
Now when one party has a kid the parent pushes for the choice to be split between the three of you, with you, the non parent getting to pick about 33.3 percent of the time. You could of course push back and ask for your 50 percent, and let the parent split their 50 percent between themself and the kid. While on the face of it this looks fair, you still end up losing the 10 percent as well (while giving it yourself) as diluting your dining experience by dealing with an unrelated kid, with the added inconvenience such as additional dishes, mess etc. This causes a fundamental deficit for the non parent.
Now imagine this deficit flowing into every aspect of the relationship. You both get fifty percent say in theory, but you make all or most of the concessions for your partner while they make them for their kid. On top of that you deal with the constant inconvenience of being around the kid because that totally changes the dynamic.
Even if your partner somehow reciprocates your 10 percent, which is unlikely, you are still operating at a massive deficit. While this seems trivial in case of one dinner, the deficit compounds quickly since it applies to every part of your life whether it’s holidaying, finances, spending free time, chores etc.
Now this deficit could potentially be remediated if culturaly relationships were more adult centric, with a general understanding that accepting an unrelated kid is usually a major compromise and needs solid reciprocation from the parent to ensure that the non parent is appreciated and not being taken advantage of. In such cultures usually while the kids welfare is considered its the adults who make the decisions. The kids adapt to the adult relationship and not the other way around.
Since the current culture is child centric there is no way this deficit would ever be even remotely remediated and you would always be operating at a compounding deficit. Even with solid boundaries at best you can manage this deficit, not completely eliminate it.
Now of course exceptions exist and if you are happy in your relationship this may not apply to you. What we are taking about here is the general trend. This also explains in part why second families have such a high failure rate.
I have no empirical data but this makes a lot of sense in not only my experience but also in the context of experiences of others on this site. Does this accurately describe your situation or are you an outlier? And yes we know you signed up for this, but did you really sign up for this?