There was once a lovely bakery, which (mostly) everyone liked to visit. They had all kinds of bread, biscuits, waffles, any kind of confectionary you could name. But their most popular meal by far was the Big Dragon Loaf.

A special thing about the bakery; they never showed what their goods looked like. They would always come in the exact same box, no matter the size, no matter the shape. And when someone opened the box, they would always get exactly what they expected. Another important thing was that no two goods were alike, even if someone opened the exact same box as another person.

One day, three (actually, four) people went to the bakery. The three had come to order the Big Dragon Loaf. It was their favorite! Almost everyone liked the Big Dragon Loaf. The first, a man, liked the Big Dragon Loaf because it had very big wings (like a Dragon!), and tasted a little like the Lorkookie, which was another piece of food he liked to get from the bakery.

The second person, an elf, was also there for the Big Dragon Loaf. He thought the loaf was King of all loaves. Plus, he loved how singular and focused it's taste was. It also helped that the Big Dragon Loaf had very big wings (like an Eagle!).

The third person was a cat. The cat, you might be shocked to know, was there for the Big Dragon Loaf! He also thought it was the King of Loaves, but, like the man, thought it had big Dragon wings instead of Eagle wings. He also thought it tasted a little like sunlight.

They had all entered the shop and asked for the Big Dragon Loaf at exactly the same time. And thus, a box was put in front of them. Just one.

See, no one had ordered the exact same item at the exact same time as the exact same person before, so this was quite the conundrum.

"Let's look inside the box! We'll see right quick if it's your Big Dragon Loaf." said the man. He promptly opened the box, and saw those all-too-familiar Dragon wings, and that tell-tale smell of Lorkookies. "Bingo! It's my Big Dragon Loaf!" he exclaimed, popping the lid of the box back on and moving to walk away with it.

The elf (who wrinkled his nose a little at the smell of Lorkookies) said: "No, you've got to be mistaken. Let me check."

And when he opened that very same box, guess what he saw? The wings of an eagle! That beautifully unitary aroma! It was his Big Dragon Loaf, just as he liked it!

"Hey, wuzzit- wha- wait a minute! That can't be right! MY Big Dragon Loaf was just inside the box! How did it become your Big Dragon Loaf!"

The cat was curious now, and snatched the box while the man and the elf were distracted. The lid was off, and he clearly saw the elf's Big Dragon Loaf. Eagle-winged and singularly-smelling. So he put the lid back on, and thought really, really hard about the Big Dragon Loaf he loved. With those Dragon wings and that sunlight-savoury taste.

And when he opened the box, guess what? Guess what was in there? His very own Big Dragon Loaf! With all the attributes he expected of it.

So he threw a couple of coins to the baker (any other person he would've stolen it from, but, even if he had his disagreements, the cat did appreciate the baker) and walked right out of the bakery with his very own Big Dragon Loaf.

The End.

Oh wait, I mentioned a fourth person, didn't I? This fourth person was a Dwarf. He was very grumpy, and thought the bakery sucked. Now, he'd never tried any of their food, but he was still steadfast in his belief that it was all trash. In fact, he thought it was so bad that the food itself didn't actually exist.

So on that very same day, as he was passing the cat, he noticed they were holding a box from the bakery.

"What's in the box, furball?"

"Rude elf! I shall have you know that it's my very own Big Dragon Loaf!"

"No it's not. Let me look."

Now, the dwarf was expecting there to be Nothing in the box. But when he looked, there was actually Something. And he became so angry that he marched right on over to the bakery, nestled himself in the alleyway, right to the side of the entrance, where they usually throw out the leftover dough and sugars and such.

(A drug dealer was there also eating from the leftovers, and told the dwarf to get off of his turf, but the dwarf told the drug dealer he didn't exist. There were also three street rats who came every now and then to dip their fingers in some cake batter, before scurrying away)

To prove just how much the baked goods didn't exist, the dwarf reverse-engineered what he thought one of the baked goods would be if it existed. So he got some moldy globs of dough, and set the trash on fire, putting the globs on top of the trash can's lid so they would bake.

When the dough was finally finished baking into a jagged-looking cookie, the dwarf held it aloft and said "Tada! Here's my own baked good! Take a good look, everyone. I'm going to prove that none of the baked goods inside this bakery exist by eating my own baked good that I made from the leftovers of the baked goods inside the bakery!"

The dwarf was very proud of the cookie. So proud, in fact, that he got one of the leftover boxes and put the cookie inside, wrapping it up with a bow. But the instant he opened the box up, expecting to see nothing, he found Something That Was Nothing. It was something, so it wasn't nothing. But it was also nothing! But it had to be something, since he was looking at it, but it was also nothing. Nothing! Zip, nilch, nada, nothing! But the Something was also nothing! And that nothing was something, but "Hey, hang on! I was expecting nothing! And, well, I'll count my blessings. I did get nothing. But it's actually a Something that is also nothing! But it is nothing. But it's a something, so you can't say it's nothing, so it is nothing, but then it's actually something-"

And the whole situation was so perplexing, he disappeared on the spot. A few other people came and looked in the box afterwards and saw nothing, just a crummy old cookie, since they hadn't really expected anything out of it.

But every now and then, a few people came along, and they'd heard about the dwarf who tried to make Nothing out of Something. And when they tried to open the box (knowing full well it wasn't Something, it wasn't Nothing, but it was actually Something-Nothing), something very strange happened indeed.

THE ACTUAL END

This can also apply to fights you were in, but you will be judged quite harshly.

The last fight I saw in a Kebab Shop was in York at 2 A.M. There was a lady, quite obviously drunk, talking to her friend kind of obnoxiously and loudly.

A sentient squirrely puffer jacket (the type who calls the shopkeeper "bossman" without acquiring said title naturally) came up to her and yelled at her to be quiet. She started arguing back, before the guy lamped her into a table and then ran shit-scared from the establishment, as there were approximately 4 robust Turkish men who instantly began to advance on him.

The men did not make chase, and everyone sort of stopped for a few minutes to see to her, make sure she was doing alright, patch up any wounds.

Sure, she was a bit loud, but it's 2 A.M in a Kebab shop. You can find much, much more disorderly people at such a time in such a place. She did nothing wrong, and everyone spent about 5 minutes in the aftermath talking about how shitty the man had been. It was an oddly uniting experience. Really highlighted the value of humanity, co-operation and kindness.

I like to think the puffer jacket man was spattered over the sidewalk by a city bus the very next day.