what if it just never works out?
throwaway acc. i don't usually go here, but i just felt like letting this out.
Something my mother had said recently about my use of gadgets ticked me off and it got me thinking as to why? Why is it such a big deal, not to her, but to me?
I don't really have much of a life beyond my school, home, and phone. I'm not allowed to go out, hang out with friends (even if we had just gotten out of school), go to their houses, or have social media. I'm definitely breaking that last rule though. There's little to no possibility that I'd ever considering doing the same to the previous ones. My house is pretty far from all my friends. We don't have a car, no way I'll be able to commute to and back without being noticed, etc. That's why I treasure my phone so much because otherwise, I wouldn't have a way to contact my friends. I wouldn't have a life beyond what the most I can do at school and what is expected of me at home.
My family life isn't all that great either. A cheating, disloyal, and emotionally unavailable addict of a father. An exhausted, overbearing, emotionally unstable mother who takes her anger out on her children. Siblings who have grown apathetic to their surroundings. Every now and then, there's a period where everything will be fine, we'll laugh, smile, go out and eat, the whole ordeal. But the usual is just a scene out of the most miserable movie that I'm unfortunately a cast member of.
Sometimes, my best friend and I will talk about making it out, and becoming free from all of the burdens we've had to deal with so far. She's fought her own battles too.
It's making me question though if it'll ever actually get better. One minute, I'm sending a voice note to a friend, laughing my ass off. The next, me and my mother are arguing.
I know how much of a bitch I can and have been, especially recently. But I'm just really tired. I'm exhausted. I know my situation isn't the worst. Far from it. I feel guilty complaining when I know how privileged I really am if I even so much as take a second to acknowledge that all my needs are provided for. But still, it's just really sad.
I'm about to graduate high school and I've never gotten to hang out with my friends, go to someone else's house, even consider having a crush, take photobooth pics, or just make memories with the people I love most without being in my fucking uniform.
I'll be going to college soon and I'm so scared that I'll just end up like my older siblings. One who went in with a dream but failed and ended up having to start from scratch at a campus way far out. One who doesn't say much about their dreams or what they want to become. I don't even know what I want to be. Who I want to be.
I can't fathom a future wherein I'm a uni student, hanging out, going to concerts with my friends, going to pep rallies and events, and dating a handsome boy who won't hurt and fail me like everyone else in my life has.
What if everything just ends tomorrow? What then? I never got to do anything I actually wanted. If I never got to grow out of being a girl who uses humor and self-depreciation because she's scared of having to unpack more than what's already laid bare, I think I'd be pretty disappointed in what I've achieved in life so far.
I hope it doesn't end yet but I would also feel a sense of relief if it did.