u/LearningFromDamage

My husband (40M) and I (35M) have been together for 13 years and married for 10 this May. About two years ago, we met our boyfriend (36M), and things developed into a throuple pretty quickly. Overall, the relationship was really good. My boyfriend and I naturally formed a stronger emotional bond than he and my husband did, but everyone seemed okay with that because we understood that relationships and connections don’t always look the same between each person.

Recently, though, the relationship ended because of a trust issue that I caused. After a lot of difficult conversations, my husband decided he no longer wanted to continue the throuple, and our boyfriend respected that decision. Since then, my husband has been trying to figure out what kind of relationship he even wants with me moving forward.

The hard part is that both my boyfriend and I still want the relationship to continue. I’ve realized how deeply I care about him, and losing that relationship has been painful.

My husband and I have also started therapy, and some difficult truths have come up. He’s expressed doubts about whether he can truly make me happy. For the first time, I finally opened up about things I felt were missing in our relationship for years. Over the last 7–8 years, the romance between us slowly faded. He stopped planning date nights, surprises, or quality time together, and I became the one carrying most of that emotional and romantic effort. I think he became comfortable and complacent.

Being with our boyfriend opened my eyes to how much I missed feeling pursued and nurtured in a relationship. He would take initiative, plan meaningful moments, and actively invest in the relationship. It made me realize how much I had been craving that kind of effort from my husband.

When I tried to explain this, though, my husband felt hurt and attacked by what I said.

Now I feel stuck at a crossroads. I love my husband deeply, but he’s made it clear that he’s uncertain about our future and may not even want to continue our marriage. At the same time, I miss my boyfriend constantly and can’t imagine simply cutting him out of my life after everything we built together.

I know there’s still a possibility the throuple could come back together someday, but if my husband ultimately says no, I don’t know where that leaves me with my boyfriend. Part of me feels guilty even thinking that way, but another part of me feels like it’s unfair to lose someone I love so deeply because of a decision that isn’t fully mine alone.

I’m looking for advice from people who’ve navigated complicated relationship dynamics, long-term marriages, or poly relationships. How do you figure out what to hold onto, what to fight for, and when you’re trying to save something that may already be changing?

First, thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. I’ve been reading through everything, and a lot of the questions and perspectives helped me reflect more honestly on what’s actually happening.

After more conversations with my husband, I realize we’re not entirely on the same page about what we’re building.

For context: we’ve been together 13+ years, and I recently came clean about cheating in the past. Our relationship was open—but only together, not separately—and I broke that agreement. Since then, we’ve started couples therapy and have been trying to figure out what comes next.

At first, I thought we had landed on staying married while allowing independent dating and hookups—something like ethical non-monogamy with clear prioritization of each other.

But after talking more, his version feels different.

To him, it sounds more like: we remain best friends, support each other, but build separate romantic and sexual lives. If either of us meets someone significant, we’d introduce them and talk through bigger changes, like living arrangements.

I’m not going to lie—part of me finds that idea intriguing. But it also feels like it might be coming from a place where he loves me, just not in love with me anymore.

And if I’m being honest, the connection between us has been fading for a while.

We tried talking about ways to reconnect—monthly date nights, even scheduling sex so it doesn’t disappear—but he wasn’t really comfortable with that. I asked about exploring BDSM; he’s not into it. I asked if he’d be open to me exploring that occasionally on my own, and that led into a bigger conversation about opening things up. He said no.

That’s when things shifted.

He told me maybe we should just be friends because he feels like he can’t make me happy and doesn’t want to grow resentful. He also talked about wanting more independence—like traveling with friends and having more freedom in general.

The part that’s really stuck with me is how calm he was when he said it. No anger, no hesitation—just acceptance.

Original post:
https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/s/q9OuRXkdc9

My husband (41M) and I (40M) have been together for over 13 years. Recently, I came clean about cheating in the past. Our relationship was open, but only together—not separately—and I broke that agreement. That’s on me.
Since then, we’ve had a lot of honest conversations and started seeing a couples therapist. One thing that became clear is that we both have areas to work on, individually and as a couple.

After talking through a lot of possibilities, we landed on something that feels right for now: we’re choosing to stay married and continue prioritizing each other, but we’re also allowing independent dating and hookups.

I’m trying to understand what this kind of dynamic is called—ethical non-monogamy? Open marriage with hierarchy? Something else?

More importantly, for anyone who’s been in a similar situation:
What worked—and what didn’t?
What boundaries or check-ins helped rebuild trust?
What should we be discussing now that we might not be thinking about yet?

After speaking to my husband more about it, his version feels more like: we remain best friends, look out for each other, and build separate romantic/sexual lives. There’s an understanding that if either of us meets someone significant, we introduce them and talk through any bigger changes (like living arrangements).

I’m not going to lie—I’m a little intrigued by that idea. But it also feels like it might be coming from a place where he loves me, just not in love with me anymore.

The spark between us has been fading for a while. We don’t really have fun together like we used to. Date nights feel forced—he doesn’t seem to enjoy them, often complains, and rarely takes initiative to plan anything. There’s a distance there that’s hard to ignore.

My husband (41M) and I (40M) have been together for over 13 years. Recently, I came clean about cheating in the past. Our relationship was open, but only together—not separately—and I broke that agreement. That’s on me.
Since then, we’ve had a lot of honest conversations and started seeing a couples therapist. One thing that became clear is that we both have areas to work on, individually and as a couple.

After talking through a lot of possibilities, we landed on something that feels right for now: we’re choosing to stay married and continue prioritizing each other, but we’re also allowing independent dating and hookups.

The core agreements are:
We come first—always
Full transparency and communication
Finances stay shared
We remain emotionally and physically connected (even though intimacy has been less frequent over time)

I’m trying to understand what this kind of dynamic is called—ethical non-monogamy? Open marriage with hierarchy? Something else?

More importantly, for anyone who’s been in a similar situation:
What worked—and what didn’t?
What boundaries or check-ins helped rebuild trust?
What should we be discussing now that we might not be thinking about yet?

Appreciate any insight or experiences.