I want to get these thoughts out into the world. Thanks for reading. Maybe you can relate.
From the time I was very young, I was taught that the temple was the pinnacle of religious experience. From singing, “I love to see the temple” in primary to seeing my parents spend all of their date nights going to the temple, it seemed there must be something very special going on in “the Lord’s university.”
Temple recommend interviews were always terrifying to me. I never felt good enough even when I answered the questions honestly and received a recommend. I wondered if I might be struck by lightning or otherwise punished for entering the temple “unworthily.” I was just a good normal teenager and struggled with perfectionism.
Ward temple baptism trips as a youth were ok. No profound spiritual experiences. I would sit in the pews waiting for my turn randomly opening the pages of the white leather bound scriptures desperately hoping I could find out what god had to say to me. God didn’t have any clear messages for me that I could decipher. the Best part of these trips was the stop for ice cream on the way home.
After countless interviews in preparation for a mission call, I was found ‘worthy’ to be endowed. I went to temple preparation class. I was surrounded by family and friends the first time through. At that time, the washing and anointing was not only symbolic. Walking through the dressing room naked under the shield was very uncomfortable.
The endowment was not what I expected. I didn’t feel like I learned anything profound. I thought it was strange that the only promise with the tokens was to never reveal them. I thought I just needed to go many, many times to figure out the mysteries, and for that matter, how to find Jesus at the temple. What was wrong with me if I couldn’t feel like I was drawing close to god in his house.
I went through endowment sessions many times and had my favorite movie presentation. I never had any amazing insights and was always proud of myself if I could make it all the way through without falling asleep. I did find some value in the quiet mediation that I could do while there. If heaven is like the temple, heaven must be extremely boring - sounds hellish to me.
Temple ceremonies changed. I was confused about how something directly revealed from god and ancient could change so substantially. Then it changed again. It seems like god is concerned about 21st century sensibilities?
I was married in the temple. My wife never seemed to like going to the temple very much. I guess I needed to be more creative for date night than my parents were. I was oblivious to the misogyny built into the temple ceremonies.
Covid happened. What a relief that the temples were closed. I now didn’t have to waste my time going or feel guilty for not going. I didn’t have to worry if I was worthy enough.
Temples reopened. I went back once or twice. I didn’t renew my temple recommend because I couldn’t answer the belief portion of the interview with the ‘right’ answers. Also, was I really going to keep paying 10% of my income for this temple membership fee when the money could benefit my family in other ways?
Every time I hear someone say that temple attendance has brought them close to God I am confused. How? It did not work for me. The emperor is wearing no clothes.