I dont know what to do, everything's so confusing
Heavy trigger warning. Please be careful.
Hello,
So things in my life have been... interesting. So, long story short, after my last post I didn't listen to reason. And we stayed with my abuser; as you can tell, things only got worse. Now, I am free now, and I am no longer dating this man. However, he and I are still in contact and "friends" because apparently I hate myself.
Well, okay. When we broke up, he realized what he did and how awful he was. And now they are making steps to get better and never do that again to someone. Which is great... sort of.
Since then I've been getting worse mentally. I got incredibly suicidal and relapsed on self-harm. I'm on a wait list for a psychiatric ward now. But that's not why I'm making this post. I need some advice.
So
I know I should go to the police, and I know that I have that as an option, but I feel so guilty. I'm upset that I feel guilty for telling someone about what happened during our relationship. Especially someone that could hold him accountable.
We have told a few people, but they normally forgive him because i have. But I don't know if I have or not; I'm still hurting and don't feel good. Everyone forgave him so easily. No one gave a shit about what he did, and because they didn't, I didn't either.
I recently had a conversation with him; for some reason, he thought it was important to tell me how confused and sad he was. As well as saying his therapist told him I was a red flag because I continued to see him after he assaulted me. Despite the fact that the only reason I still talk to him is the overwhelming guilt that I feel when I don't because I'm still so trapped and afraid of him. He said I acted like I wanted him to suffer—and said that I was acting like he use to. Something about that made me so angry, and he could tell. And immediately he started to make me feel guilty.
I spoke to my mom about what happened. And all she did was go on about how I would ruin his life and my friends' lives if I reported anything. And how I would make myself look like a fool. Because I still speak to him, so no one would believe me despite the fact I have 100s of text messages of him admitting what he did.
I hate this—I'm angry. I'm angry; I feel like no one cares—no one. And I hate that I still feel guilty that I will hurt him despite the fact he raped me. Why do I have to protect and care about his life when he ruined mine?
I talked to someone recently. Someone who would be able to help me press charges against him. And although it was all off the record, I'm going in to make an official statement, not to report or anything, just to have something. Just the idea of that makes me so, so nervous. Because I'm scared of making him upset still. I feel so guilty for not telling him that i even thought about justice, but I know I can't tell him
Part of me cares about him... and I fucking hate it. I want to be angry without guilt; I want to get justice without feeling bad because he faced consequences.
I hate this... I'm miserable.