u/Left_Occasion_2883

​

So me, 22F, have known my guy friend, 23M, for around 2-3 years. He currently lives out of state away from me and isn't currently seeing anyone. I am not seeing anyone either & my last relationship was 1 ½ years ago. Here's a bit of backstory:

As a preteen, I was a victim of domestic violence/abuse by my father. Since then until I turned 18, there was a constant custody battle between my mom and my dad (they never married each other). With everything going on, I often found myself depressed and anxious to where I had to switch over from going to an in-person school to a virtual school due to having constant anxiety/PTSD attacks. I met my guy friend at 18 (he was 19) and we talked for a while and became friends after a couple of months of talking. We did everything typical friends do- talked, hung out, ranted to each other, etc. I soon started developing feelings for him. Whenever I talk to him, I feel at ease, comfortable, and usually happier than I usually do. I talked my mom about it one day recently and she told me she kept noticing how happy I get around him. I keep getting signals that he might be feeling the same way, like how he'll rant to me and tease/mess around with me more so than everyone else/our other friends. He seems to know when I'm upset and feeling down, and is always there to lift me up and tell me "it's ok". I feel safe around him.

I do tend to overthink a lot, causing me tension headaches. I dont' fully know if he's actually sending signals or not, and sometimes it CAN be confusing but at the same time, again, I do tend to overthink it a bunch. I do want to be honest with him and tell him, but I'm scared it'll drive a wedge of awkwardness between us, and I don't want to lose him as a friend.

What should I do? If I do tell him, how should I go about it?

Thanks in advance!

I’m staring at the wrong version of myself,

A shadow,

A ghost,

A stain,

The mirror, miserable, showcases my image,

Somber, lonely

Craving validation from the wrong crowd

Strolling through the dark alleyways of my crowded mind,

‘Who is this?’

‘This isn’t me, is it?’

My eyes, my features, my shoulders,

Me.

It’s me.

But it’s not.

How? Why?

It’s an imposter, a shell, a hollowed-out sculpture

Everything I fear

Everything I hate

All in one body, one being.

Mirror crumbles,

Shards of glass and reflection,

Cutting all around me,

The sting of vulnerability, self-loathing, disgust

‘Who have I become?’

How? Why?

The essential answers to the questions that I’ll never ask.

I wish to forget, I wish to blind myself

Of all the negative,

All the dark.

Regret, guilt, remorse.

I have accepted it, for she is me and I am her.

We are one of each other, we are together, we are one being, one body.

For I cannot forget, but I can forgive.

‘I’m sorry’

I’m staring at the wrong version of myself,

A shadow,

A ghost,

A stain,

The mirror, miserable, showcases my image,

Somber, lonely

Craving validation from the wrong crowd

Strolling through the dark alleyways of my crowded mind,

‘Who is this?’

‘This isn’t me, is it?’

My eyes, my features, my shoulders,

Me.

It’s me.

But it’s not.

How? Why?

It’s an imposter, a shell, a hollowed-out sculpture

Everything I fear

Everything I hate

All in one body, one being.

Mirror crumbles,

Shards of glass and reflection,

Cutting all around me,

The sting of vulnerability, self-loathing, disgust

‘Who have I become?’

How? Why?

The essential answers to the questions that I’ll never ask.

I wish to forget, I wish to blind myself

Of all the negative,

All the dark.

Regret, guilt, remorse.

I have accepted it, for she is me and I am her.

We are one of each other, we are together, we are one being, one body.

For I cannot forget, but I can forgive.

‘I’m sorry’

How do I win a lost battle?

With a foe, with my inner demons, with myself?

How do I slay the dragon that is my guilt,

My sorrow, my pain,

Cowering, hiding

Behind every small smile,

A bitterness that grows cold,

A poison slowly killing me inside,

A emptiness that can't filled,

It cries. It groans.

It's siren song, calling out

So loud, so clear, so longing

Yet so silent, so empty.

Consoling,

My head wraps around the thought

A python, slithering,

An inkling in an infinite void.

Controlling,

Attempting at new

Failing at old.

Accepting,

I cannot change,

I cannot think.

Infinite upon infinite emptiness,

A lie,

Ones I tell myself often.

A truth,

One I cannot face.

Delusions,

Foolish desires and wishes.

Reality,

The most unsettling curse.

How do I win a lost battle?

With a foe, with my inner demons, with myself?

How do I slay the dragon that is my guilt,

My sorrow, my pain,

Cowering, hiding

Behind every small smile,

A bitterness that grows cold,

A poison slowly killing me inside,

A emptiness that can't filled,

It cries. It groans.

It's siren song, calling out

So loud, so clear, so longing

Yet so silent, so empty.

Consoling,

My head wraps around the thought

A python, slithering,

An inkling in an infinite void.

Controlling,

Attempting at new

Failing at old.

Accepting,

I cannot change,

I cannot think.

Infinite upon infinite emptiness,

A lie,

Ones I tell myself often.

A truth,

One I cannot face.

Delusions,

Foolish desires and wishes.

Reality,

The most unsettling curse.

Pondering,
The sake of my existence, 
Searching for reason.
How am I to live?

Walking,
A shell of what once was,
Looking for what could be.

Admitting,
The wrongs, the rights, 
The good, the bad.

Accepting,
Nothing can stop the flow of time,
The river that has swept me away.

Loving,
Finding that spark, that flame,
The thing that keeps this bearable.

Loathing,
Looking at myself in the mirror,
The reflection of what I don’t like,
A venom in the budding flower.

Withering,
The process of something slowly dying,
Slowly losing its’ vibrancy, it’s life.

Colors,
Meshing into muted tones,
Once bright, now faded.

Healing, 
Taking that time to watch those scars fade,
Slowly turning into memory.

Realizing,
It was never about the reason ‘why’ nor the ‘how’
It was always about the ‘now’.

Pondering,
The sake of my existence, 
Searching for reason.
How am I to live?

Walking,
A shell of what once was,
Looking for what could be.

Admitting,
The wrongs, the rights, 
The good, the bad.

Accepting,
Nothing can stop the flow of time,
The river that has swept me away.

Loving,
Finding that spark, that flame,
The thing that keeps this bearable.

Loathing,
Looking at myself in the mirror,
The reflection of what I don’t like,
A venom in the budding flower.

Withering,
The process of something slowly dying,
Slowly losing its’ vibrancy, it’s life.

Colors,
Meshing into muted tones,
Once bright, now faded.

Healing, 
Taking that time to watch those scars fade,
Slowly turning into memory.

Realizing,
It was never about the reason ‘why’ nor the ‘how’
It was always about the ‘now’.