trouble having sex with my boyfriend and i dont know what to do
hi ladies! i really wanted others opinions and support on this because i dont really have an outlet i can go to for something like this
to preface, i am 22 and relatively new to relationships with men. im bisexual and have only had romantic and sexual relationships with women. i also am a CSA survivor, which is why i was exclusively with women for a while. i know im attracted to men, i am not a lesbian but because my trauma revolves specifically around men, i just havent felt safe enough to get vulnerable with a man.
im in my first relationship with a man and he is really so perfect to me. he is everything that i have wanted; sensitive, understanding and kind. he is a dream come true for me.
we’ve began messing around; oral (both giving and receiving), touching, etc. i love this and enjoy it, i feel safe and in control and even when im not, i know if i said stop, he would.
however during sex with women, i was always on top and i never really enjoyed any sort of fingering when ive done it. i dont know if theres just a block in my head or i really dont enjoy it
we decided to try penetrative sex and while he was in the process of fingering me, i was already feeling a little emotional because it hurt. he was gentle, as i had asked, yet i just wasnt enjoying it. i decided to tell him to ditch the fingering and just put it in, which he did. im overly tight to the point that it was difficult for him to stay in, he himself was struggling over even sliding in, even being veryyyy liberal with the lube AND foreplay.
despite how slow and gentle he was being, the pain was so awful. i started crying, practically sobbing not from the pain, but because i was scared. he immediately stopped and pulled out and comforted me, and i started feeling better after but ive become anxious and contemplating all of this.
im afraid that i dont enjoy penetrative sex and that that would be a dealbreaker. i like everything else we do, i love it. i want to be physically close to him, this matters greatly to me and also why the idea of losing him over this has me distraught. do i think he would actually leave me over this, i doubt it, but the irrational side of my brain has me feeling conflicted.
id do anything i can if i can fix this problem or have any tips at all from experienced women. i will literally take any advice or answer any questions but im extremely desperate for any input. thank you!!