So I don’t know if this is just me being hormonal, but every day, most of the day, I always have thoughts like “how can I hurt this person” and “what new methods could I use to hurt them as brutally as possible” and I’m scared. Of myself, my parents think it’s some phase and that I’m just being a teenage, buts it’s not that, I often spend way too much time thinking about all the brutal ways I could hurt others and how good it would feel, I would absolutely NEVER do any of it, but sometime when I get really angry, I think of things like “oh I could rip their jaws off” or “I could rip out their throat” or “bite down on their arm and rip” and it terrifies me that I’m going to snap someday.
I noticed it started back when I was around 6 years old, I was heavily neglected and abused by my worthless grandmother, and I haven’t talked to her since, I’m afraid if I ever see her again I’m going to seriously hurt her(I’m 6 feet and 250lbs pure muscles with a frequent gym routine,and she’s a little French women, 5 feet, 270 pounds, she drinks heavily and smokes, and eats like shit)
It isn’t just that either, the abuse goes back to my father when she abused him, partly why we don’t talk to her anymore.
Regardless, I’m scared of myself that I’m going to hurt others in primal ways, and I’m not sure if I’m mentally unwell, I don’t think I am but I don’t know, my family has a history of all the mental illness you can think of, everyone in my family has at least one of them, and I have no one else to talk to about this, so I’m asking you, am I dangerous? Do I need help?