r/2ndSafeSpaceOfHazbin

Board game, video game, physical game, anything. My favorite is Red Dead Redemption 2.

Spend childhood on a small place with a mentally ill sister and my parents arguing avery day. My father SA-d me at times, but I kinda realised it only after his death (wich is stupid because I straight up told him once "you treat me like a romantic partner" idk why the eureka moment snapped years after I said the facts loud, my brian is weird and dumb in a way I do not understand myself) and now that he's gone I still live with my mom and sister on the same house with my mother's parents wich clearly don't want us here, but can I blame them? My sister is a nightmare. The worst part is that my friends barely remember I exist and I don't have someone to hang out with once a week to refresh myself. Matter of fact, I never had a friend that considered me their best friend, always the spare I was.

In two days I'm going to find out if I passed my final exam. If I did then I'll try to keep going, but if I failed then you'll might know why this is my last post.

I try to make my friends happy, I try to understand they're point of view, I truly do try, but everyone makes it impossible, and it doesn't help that I'm like 99 percent sure everyone hates me now and doesn't wanna hang out with me anymore, and I never knew that someone could be so alone yet so overwhelmed, so sad yet so angry, so excited about the future yet so terrified, nothing in my life is a straight forward answer, and I'm so tired of people telling me "have you tried being a better person" and shit like that, like did they even try to think why I'm like the way that I am? You know, MAYBE there's a reason I don't talk about my personal life, MAYBE there's a reason I always act rude to people that get a little too close to me

So some weeks ago I did a post here and after posting it I understood how much bad it was.like I didn't want to offend anybody but in some way I did it and it's not good. For me and for those who saw the post.

So I publicly apologize even if somebody forgot that thing but I want to apologize anyway

She never texts me first. If I don't start the conversation, we just don't talk. It was already like that when we were in school, I always had to be the one to walk up to her because otherwise she wouldn't come talk to me.

Now that we don't see each other every day, it's gotten even worse because our friendship is basically just texting. She won't text me unless I do it first.

She barely replies to my messages. It's not that she never answers, but she'll leave me on read for a whole day, ignore most of what I send, and then reply to just one with something like "hahahaha." I even sent her a drawing and that was her only response. I don't even know what she found funny about it.

She's also been saying things that have genuinely hurt me. Like once when we had plans to watch a movie at my house, but the day before she changed it and said she wanted to do it at her house instead, even though she knew I didn't have a way to get there. When I reminded her, she just said, "Sounds like a you problem." Then she said her house was better than mine. She could've come up with literally any other reason.

There's also her birthday. I told her my family has been struggling financially, and she changed her birthday from a small gathering at her house to an expensive place that I can't afford. On top of that, I still need to buy her a gift because she doesn't like homemade ones.

It hurts because when our situations were reversed, I always made sure to celebrate my birthdays at home so she could come without worrying about money. Now that I'm the one struggling, it feels like she doesn't care.

There's other things, but I don't want to make this longer than it is.

Maybe I'm reading too much into everything, but it feels like I'm the only one putting effort into our friendship. I wish she'd just tell me if something has changed instead of leaving me to guess.

I've been thinking about talking to her, but I'm scared that if she's going through something herself, I'll just come across as annoying.

Edit: Thank you all for your kind words!! I'm currently trying to distance myself from her, it's a bit difficult for me since she's the only friend I've had for many years, but I'm trying my best. Thanks again <3