u/East-Sound9480

no matter where i go there's always ppl who talk abt their love lives- i cant escape it-
im single, im aroace, even if i SOMEHOW got into a relationship, i wouldnt survive- im meant to be alone- i wish i had more friends, i wish i could see my current friends more often- i wish i had a life- all i do anymore is sleep and doomscroll
i feel sick when i get surrounded by too much love life talk, ppl talking and sharing abt their relationships- it makes me feel broken and alone- i start to feel like i have to be in a relationship even though it'd be torture to me-
i wish i had more ppl in my life, i wish i had more friends... maybe then i'd finally be happy and not feel like the broken loser i've always been...

Yesterday primarily gatekeeper was front, but there were times I slipped into co-front with him. Its pretty common for me and my gatekeeper to be in co-front. I saw they were texting our BFF a lot like we always text a lot as of late, and I just paused and smiled at how our BFF still treated gatekeeper the same as me, and the same as everyone else. They've always done this, ever since I told them I have DID nothing really changed about our friendship other than sometimes alters would announce when they're front (its just a thing we do with those who know we have DID).
The thing is, only until about a year ago did I finally start having relationships in my life that stopped making my DID about everything, that stopped hating on some alters while adoring and pampering others, it was sickening to watch and it made us feel uncomfortable. I can tell to this day we're still effected by it; some alters will get surprised when whoever we are hanging out with doesnt mind them out and treats them the same as who was last front and is just happy to be with us as a whole. Previous relationships were never like that, we felt the need to pretend to be other alters (which unfortunately still have to sometimes due to life at home but at least its changed now with friendships and people I consider chosen family) or even try to force out the alters everyone liked and hide away the unfavorites or physically hide away and dont come back until a favorite has switched in just so we dont have to deal with stress and the feeling of being unwanted. It was hell, I hated it, I hated I was being separated into categories and only certain parts of me could deserve all the love and care while the other parts of me were left to be judged and harassed and hated on. Even though I was one of the favorites I hated being treated like that, I wanted to be loved equally as a whole.

I knew my BFF was never like this from the day I told them about my DID, and we've been friends for a really long time and they still love and treat us all equally like we're all the same person; which we are! While I was in co-front with gatekeeper last night as he was focusing on making dinner and I was busy yapping away to our BFF on call (gatekeeper would have also talked I'm sure but he's fsr shy with talking on phonecalls so that's why I was the only one talking), I realized maybe now was a good time to thank them for all they've done. The food was off the stove now and put into a bowl, and I went into a quiet isolated room and thanked them. I thanked them for always loving and treating us equally, for never caring who was front and just wanted nothing more than to be with us as a whole. I thanked them for doing this all the way from the beginning without any of us ever having to tell them they need to treat us the same because we're all the same person. I explained the past and how we were in relationships that werent like this, and made us feel uncomfortable and unsafe. Parts of me were loved while others were hated, a lot of the time for no reason whatsoever, and that was wrong and not ok, because every alter of mine is me, and I am them, we're all the same person. I went back to thanking them for treating me like a genuine human being, for never individualizing us like that, for making us feel safe. I talked about how some alters (like gatekeeper) still get shocked when there's never any problem with them being in front, and plans and fun and EVERYTHING can just continue as normal, it wasnt a bad shock, it was a happy shock. I told them how we feel really genuinely safe and happy around them without having to panic about who's front.
I could hear our BFF almost break down crying on the other side of the phone, they thanked me for saying such kind words and they're so happy every one of us (myself, and them) feel so happy and valued in this friendship, they said they'd never want to do what my old friends did and they promised they never will. The happy moment lasted and it was nice, then when everything was said and done the conversation gently shifted back to videogame plans as dinner was eaten.

this is genuinely such a precious memory and experience, and something every part of me has always wanted. To any other systems out there who deal with ppl separating you out like that and hating on some parts of you and loving on others, just know that there ARE people out there who will love and treat you all equally as a whole, treat you like a genuine human being thats just a person, and not make your system be the topic of everything.
all of my friends who individualized me like that i've left behind. my only friends (and chosen family) i have now are the ones who treat me right, this was just a story of one friendship, there are plenty ppl out there who can treat you right, and i'm sure you'll find them

sooo for those who know me im sure you've probably heard me say one of my common headcannons of him where if he's perfectly spoiled and given every perfect condition he needs he becomes a kitten (mentally)! (well, a spicy one, but still a kitten) AND ALSO STARTS TO BECOME AN IPAD KID LMFAO

buuuut honestly i think my most funniest one if not that is that he eventually got so lazy he started to get a bit chonky XD and now he tries to hide it bc he's ashamed of it (poor thing, being chonky isnt a bad thing T^T (but ofc its Nightmare and he'd believe otherwise TwT"))

as to not cause drama i am not going to say the name of the subreddit in question

anyways, im a boy, i like to hang around other boys, i used to (stopped as of today) be in a sub dedicated to boys. girls were allowed to comment (but not post) and honestly all the girls were nice. the community there was great, i loved the ppl, my only complaint (until today) was there was a lot of whining about relationships not working, but thats just a personal me problem i can put under the table (as a single man making himself happy being and staying that way, i struggle when relationship stuff is shoved in my face all the time)

as of today the mods have decided to take away our flairs by force and force us to replace them with these boring ugly flairs that are more revealing about our personal information. no more either fem or masc flair colors to show your gender (which should have to be the only requirement) that we could then edit to be silly fun lil flairs, but now these boring things that not just say our gender BUT ALSO REVEAL OUR AGE. we cant have edited flairs anymore. my flair was so silly cute and adorable- i loved that thing. i dont want to be forced to have some ugly slop revealing more personal information about myself than I'd like.

im mad at this, and ofc there's nothing we can do against these mods even tho 99% of us dont want it. ive left the community and am now trying to search for a new boy community, but i cant find one- ig i just give up

my only exception is if the person themself has DID. but when someone without DID goes and makes an OC to share online and the OC has DID i just get offended. i already struggle with how fakers, yk fake, and are everywhere and spread so much misinformation and all just for the attention and to live in the delusion that their fictional crushes live in their head or whatever; every time i see some teen post their OC with DID i just feel myself getting mad and i feel offended. i dont really like the idea of my (and others') disorder caused by severe childhood trauma being played around with for fun and pleasure- its why i hate fakers so much
am i alone on this or do other people also get upset?

so like there was this fancy school and i broke in and was gonna kill some kids but there was a school store so i checked out the school store and Alastor was running it and from there on out the school wasnt a thing anymore in my dream it was all a massive store. there was this Alastor plushie that Alastor was really interested in and curious about it but im pretty sure he OWNED the plushie so idk- maybe he recently got it lol. he followed me around and caught me shoplifting but didnt stop me he was curious and interested in me shoplifting and wanted me to continue doing it so he could watch and yeah thats all i remember-

very interesting experience for my first-ever Alastor dream 😭

so if you've seen the most recent post in r/NootmareArmy, you'd know that today's my birthday! i posted a little guessing game of predicting how much Nightmare merch im gonna get and what kinds. spoiler alerts now cuz im gonna reveal what one of them was!!

sooo i got the Nightmare body pillow, ive wanted it ever since i knew it existed. i really wanted to just hold it and snuggle it everywhere and i had hopes it'd help me sleep better as well as maybe even help deal with at least some of my depression. i was very happy when i got it. It was hard to get the case into the pillow part (pillow not included in the merch btw its only the pillowcase) so i had someone do it for me. When they handed it back to me I took it. I held it and looked into Nightmare's eye. Then i just fucking froze 😭 i froze in place and i felt that stupid warm tingle in my chest and my face started to feel hot- i freaked out and tossed it onto the chair and looked away.
now the vent part, i kinda uhm... have some really bad trauma and am aroace bc of it. Nightmare's the only thing that caused me to feel the those feelings even tho its extremely rare for it to happen. the thing is bc that kinda love is very trauma-tied my brain freaks out and i think im in danger- its why i froze and threw the pillow onto the chair- i felt terrified and unsafe qwq
i think tho its ironic that even tho he's not real, Nightmare finds ways to fucking make me suffer TwT
anyways uh yeah vent- i really want to be able to hold and look at it more easily without a panic attack and thinking im in danger so ig if anyone can help with that i'd appreciate qwq- the issue is it just causes feelings in me that my brain marks as dangerous and i enter a panic flight or fight mode- i basically never have to deal with the feelings tho thankfully cuz aroace, but it still has that like 1% chance of happening when im around Nightmare stuff (since Nightmare's been the only thing to cause those feelings in me) and its really hard on me

but as for what i really want this post to be about, MY THOUGHTS ON THE PRODUCT.
i think its pretty good quality ngl. i have autism and i dont seem to have any sensory issues with the texture which im glad about. the fabric feels sturdy too so it definitely shouldnt easily rip. all-in-all my only complaint on the product is just i wish the inside was Passive and the outside was Corrupted and you can choose which one you want to have out. I'd preferably only want Corrupted out since i honestly dont really care all that much about Passive, at least not as much as I do Corrupted; plus they ARE two different beings/people after all. so ig i just wish the pillowcase was like those reversible plushie things. but i'll just have to settle with only paying attention to the Corrupted side.
All-in-all, it was worth the expensive price imo