u/Legal_Atmosphere9523

I am a 20 year old man. I’ve struggled with mental health issues since childhood. Depression, suicidal ideation at 9 years old, self harm at 10, the works. I don’t remember enough of my childhood to really know what the root cause of any of it is. I think maybe genetic from my mom’s side but idk for sure. From what I do remember, My Father was always a good father. He was present, active, and fought for half custody for me after my parents divorced. For all intents and purposes, I should love him. He pushes me to be more successful, he supports me financially, and he has always been emotionally available to me. For some reason, for as early as i can remember, my mind has just had some block in it that prevents me from feeling certain things. I have considered Antisocial personality disorder but i definitely don’t have that, I think i just have a major emotional apathy problem. Again, i just don’t know from where it all comes from. From what i remember there is possibly some justification for some lack of feelings toward my mother. She was a bit neglectful and not present i think, my memory is very terrible and i have big memory gaps so i can’t say for sure. I moved out with the love of my life at 18, and gone low-minimal contact with all family since. When i do see them i can tell it’s affecting them, and i feel a little guilty but i don’t change anything. The max amount of emotion i feel is slight sentimentality, like you may feel towards your first car, or a childhood toy. If they died, i don’t think it would affect my life in any significant way. I feel like a monster about it sometimes but that’s just the way it is. I don’t know why. I have siblings too and feel the same towards them. Despite this i am actually pretty happy. My girlfriend is pretty much my own personal Goddess and i love her to death. I love our apartment together and i love our pet ferrets. I cry at sad films and spend evenings laughing and joking with the love of my life until we pass out curled in each other’s arms. I am not an emotionless monster so i just don’t understand why i just don’t love my family, but every time i see them, i tell them i do.