How to manage the nosey and degrading PhD student?
I have a PhD student in my office, who I can only describe as “main character energy”, nosey and “absolutely degrading will pull you down any way possible” - and I’m not sure if both these actions are intentional or have to do with upbringing… anyway.
I’m looking for advice on how to best approach this to not be an asshole, but I literally have no confidence to speak up against them as I feel like I’ll be shot down or gaslit. I’m tempted to go to the psychologist, but I’m seriously short on time to do so.
Some simple examples:
We are in an open office space, and I sit near this individual. Every time I mention something I am looking at (eg: a message on my computer) they slide over and look directly at the whole screen and comment on something completely unrelated to what I’ve mentioned (I’m talking lean in front of me over my keyboard style), and will read things out loud I have not mentioned. I feel like it’s an invasion of privacy at times, but is sometimes hard to manage in an open office. One time I did lock my computer when they tried to do this and they huffed loudly, sighed and called me sensitive.
I work with the University to teach, and work hard to get these opportunities. They always complain they don’t get these opportunities (they are rare in our institute - I’m the only one in one subject). They then said I should offer hours to give them a go, yet they work other jobs already, and I also specialise in the subject I am teaching.
A few weeks back we had a catch up with some fellow PhDs, and they announced the pregnancy of another PhD before she got there (who was coming in and excited to tell everyone). IMO, life updates should really be delivered by those who are experiencing them when they feel comfortable?
They complain about their PI all the time, but then readily state that my PI is not supportive or useful, essentially downgrading them (my PI is incredible btw)
They used my laptop stand and accessible desk when I was working from home without asking - broke the stand and never replaced it. I then started stashing it away once I got a new one and they still fetched it from my drawers and used it without asking.
Anytime I do anything - meeting, new contract, event, etc - they ask some very personal questions such as why, what’s the pay I’m getting, etc, and if I don’t respond they’ll continue to prod (even if I respond bluntly).
They seem to compare themselves to others to make them superior, or shoot down people they don’t feel are capable (which breaks my heart, we are all trying, the PhD struggle is real…). Even things including how big everyone’s relationship ages gaps were was brought up, and they said others were inappropriate.
Everytime I sit a meeting or take a call they pop their head into the background to wave, then complain I have headphones/background on, or look at who I’m talking to.
If they require my attention and I’ve got headphones on that cancel the sound (big over the head ones - I only use these when I really need to lock in), I get a prod with a pen.
I’m fortunate enough to work with an academic that lets me use his office to complete marking for assessments and meetings when he’s not using it, but every time I go to move to do these tasks where I want more privacy, they complain about me moving.
I genuinely feel like I’m being too sensitive, or overthinking it, but it’s extremely draining and frustrating. Other students feel the same way too, but realistically am I crazy for getting annoyed at this?
Any advice would be helpful please! My PI has suggested I use a different office, stay in the lab or WFH where possible, but I just want to be able to work appropriately. I also really dislike confronting people and worry I’ll get gaslit if I do here. I just want to feel like I can use my space without so much anxiety, but it’s just draining the life out of me (not like the degree is doing it already…)
TLDR: A PhD student in my office is a bit nosey, downgrades others, uses my stuff and announces exciting news that should be shared by those who have the right to share it - any ways to approach this without being an asshole?