u/Legitimate-Bee-4617

I've realized I've dug myself into a hole of resentment and trying to figure a way out.

Our baby just turned 3 months old, plus an almost 3 year old at home. I don't want this to be a rant post, so I'll try to summarize to say I feel like I've had to take on way more than my husband since birth, especially handling 100% of all night duties with the baby. He scheduled a vasectomy for last week, my first week back to work after maternity leave. I made sure he got all the rest and child-free time he needed while I had to do even more to cover both kids + catching up at work + care for him.

In the past week I've realized I'm very resentful of the support contrast - not that he shouldn't get time to recover but that I got none and he doesn't see it. I do also recognize I should have spoken up before but I was so tired.

I started reading Gottman's book on marriage to try to frame how I can bring this up with my husband to move forward in a healthy way. I know i can state how I feel, but I need to be able to explain what I want the future to look like to fix the problem so its not just criticism but working towards a solution.

This is where I'm stuck in a cycle of anger - what can I ask my husband to do that is going to make up for feeling so unsupported for 3 month? I feel like he'll say sorry and he'll do better in the future, and then I just have to accept the past is the past. Or like give me 1 solo day away from kids to make up for months of being exhausted alone. I just can't get over it that easily though. ​

My angry side says I want you to wake up every three hours for weeks on end to feed the baby while you're healing from the surgery, but I recognize that is not an appropriate solution. I also recognize there is probably plenty he's doing that i don't see either so trying to cut him some leeway.

What should I be asking him to do differently to make me feel like we've actually made amends? He's still in pain from the snip so I'm not going to bring it up until he feels better, giving myself time to form a calm response

EDIT: Thanks for replies, things are much better today so all good here. Appreciate the comments.

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Posting as wife of a husband who got the procedure on Wednesday.

Based on when I read in this thread, I've been focused on making sure my husband has plenty of time to rest and recover afterward, and hopefully am providing what he needs.

We have him set up in our upstairs bedroom with recliner and bed, there is already a mini fridge in there so water and ice packs are easy access. I have been bringing him up meals, made a snack box in case he wants anything in between, and brining some treats throughout the day (ice cream, drink he likes from McDonald's, etc.). He has books, TV, phone, Switch, etc to keep him entertained - but I know it's a lot of lounging around.

We have a 2 (almost 3) year old, and a 3 month old. This is my first week back at work after maternity leave (he chose the date, so don't blame me for that, haha). I take the older kid to daycare, then watch our infant while I was WFH. In the evenings, I've been taking the kids out of the house or otherwise keeping them away from him so they dont ask to be picked up or accidental nut-shots. Then at night we've been sleeping in my toddlers room so mt husband can get a good night's rest alone. So he is definitely upstairs alone quite a bit.

All of that is a bit tiring, but of course I want my husband to have the time to recover as needed - I definitely understand this is a surgery and requires rest.

But my husband is complaining he is bored upstairs by himself. He wants to watch episodes together of new shows and I tried, but it's taken longer than normal to get kids to bed so once they're down I'm too tired to watch an hour long show - he's clearly sad but I need some sleep. And now that he feels a bit better he wants to hang out with the kids but that is a lot of me constantly keeping our toddler away from him to prevent injuries - it's so much easier to just keep him away entirely and let him play how he wants. ​

I'm trying to be supportive but I dont have too much sympathy for his complaints of how bored he is. But I'm only seeing this from my point of view. Id love to get reflections of people who have had the procedure to see if I should put in a bit more effort, or let him be OK with being bored a few more days.