Everything Going Downhill at Once
So I'm going through a lot- physically, mentally, emotionally. Nothing is really "working" in my favor.
My list of illnesses goes on and on. Right now I'm dealing with RA, Sjogrens, Marginal Zone Lymphoma, Epilepsy, Hashimotos, and I recently had a parotidectomy and hysterectomy. I also suffer from anxiety and depression.
My last surgery was about 2 months ago so I'm now pretty well healed from that.
I'm also waiting to see a GI for a sliding hiatal hernia that makes it so my food list is very limited, and experimental.
But my RA flare is worse than it's ever been. I'm only 31 years old and I have 3 kids. I got on a Prednisone course and it only worked til about halfway through. So we restarted and I'm just about back to feeling horrible again. I'm not sleeping well at all. I'm waking up choking on reflux from my hernia. It's so bad that even water causes problems. I was laid off of work a few months ago so I'm thankful I have unemployment in the meantime. But I'm barely functioning taking care of my house, husband, and kids.
They didn't sign up for me being this way. I'm used to running our household on my own in full capacity. My husband always worked and did the "manly" things that needed to get done.
Now that I need him more (and want him to need me less), there is a lot of tension. Even when I explained as well as I can what is all happening. He asks me for favors, to go to the store, and do things for him or get up to grab him something he left in another room. He goes to work and basically comes home and lays down.
I told him yesterday, I CANNOT. I went into a long message. I was crying in bed for hours in the morning before my kids got up and moving, just because I'm so miserable in every aspect of my life. I hide it from my kids but I think they get the energy I'm giving off.
Yesterday he admits he hasn't been the best and asked me what I needed. I am FINE telling someone what needs to be done. My kids have chores, but now today I'm not magically better and he's back to lying down for 4 hours now after work. I don't see how it's a help to me if I am everything out that needs to be done everyday. You can see dirty floors, run the vacuum, the counter needs cleaned up- put things away. It's not rocket science.
I'm so anxious and depressed over how horrible I'm feeling and how much things are not working in my life, nothing is getting done, and I'm so miserable. I can't even brush my own hair some days because my pain is so bad.
And then I get into moods where all I want to do is eat junk food. My stomach can't handle it, but I'll see it worth the consequences when I hit rock bottom. It's so unhealthy that I'm running to food but I've never been so run down and depressed and I don't know how to handle it or get a handle on myself.