How i existed an abusive relationship
I see a lot of women struggling to leave abusive relationships, and I genuinely believe trauma bonding is one of the biggest reasons why. I was in one of the most toxic relationships of my life with my ex-husband, and I want to share this in case it helps someone else finally choose themselves.
We had massive arguments weekly. He NEVER accepted that his actions hurt me. Everything was defensiveness, blame shifting, or changing the focus onto how I reacted instead of what he did. There was never a real apology. His “apologies” sounded like:
“Yeah I shouted at you for 45 minutes while you were crying, but it was because you struck a nerve.”
Or:
“I wasn’t shouting, I was just talking passionately.”
Meanwhile he would scream to the point I would physically break down.
After fights, I would go into these horrible depressive episodes that lasted days. I couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t shower, couldn’t clean myself, completely exhausted emotionally and physically. Around day 3 I would slowly regain energy… and within another couple days, the arguments would start again.
I tried EVERYTHING people tell you to do to break a trauma bond. I journaled every incident with dates, wrote down exactly what he did, how it made me feel, and how manipulative the “apologies” were so I wouldn’t gaslight myself later.
But what finally made me leave was realizing what the relationship was physically doing to my body.
During the relationship, I started developing stress-related health problems:
My hair started falling out badly. I spent so much money trying to fix it. We took a 5-month break at one point, and near the end of those 5 months I realized… my hair had stopped falling out. The second we got back together, it started again.
I developed a neck tic — uncontrollable repetitive neck movements every few minutes. It got so bad my muscles would ache. The tic would calm down whenever he left the house for a weekend. My doctor told me it was a severe stress response and that my nervous system was overloaded.
My dentist asked if I knew I was grinding my teeth in my sleep. He said my teeth looked unusually worn down for my age and told me I needed a night guard. I had NEVER ground my teeth before this relationship. He asked me if I was living in a high-stress environment.
At 27, I started getting white hairs. In my family we don’t even get premature graying genetically. I knew deep down this level of stress was damaging me.
One night, sitting alone in bed, something finally clicked in my head. I told myself:
“You either choose yourself and walk away, or this man’s actions are going to destroy your health while he moves on happily looking for his next wife.”
And for the first time, I chose myself.
I’m writing this because sometimes trauma bonds are so strong that emotional pain alone isn’t enough to make you leave. But please pay attention to what your body is trying to tell you. Chronic stress from abuse doesn’t just hurt emotionally — it can genuinely damage your nervous system and physical health.
To any woman reading this who feels trapped: choosing yourself might feel impossible at first, but your body and mind deserve peace.