u/Legitimate-Ocelot-63

I can’t stop thinking about the kid I knew who recently killed himself and then that spirals into me thinking about my friend’s dad who killed himself earlier this year. Oh, but that’s not all!! Then after I do all of that self-pitying, I feel like a terrible fucking person because I shouldn’t be crying over them I should be comforting the families. I haven’t slept in two days I have no idea what to do anymore

Anyways here’s a picture of a cat because I can’t let myself be depressed ig

I don’t even know where to start. I wasn’t close to him at all but all I keep thinking about is how I should’ve been closer to him and prevented his death. Part of me wants to believe he would never have done this if he wasn’t drunk - I mean for Christ's sake, he did it in front of the mother of his child. I also feel like I’m not being considerate of those who are actually affected by this, and instead, I'm making this all about me. I'm just stuck in my bed, thinking about it over and over again. He was so young and had so much more to give in this life and yet here I am making this post. They always say it’s the people you never expect the most but I never thought he’d ever consider it. I can’t even trust my judgement because I thought he was fine but clearly he wasn’t. Is this grief? I'm just stuck in this weird sorrow and guilt where I feel terrible that I didn’t do more to stop him but also I can’t feel bad because I didn’t know well enough to be this upset about it. No one in my house seems shook up about this, like this is all one big cruel joke and I’m waiting for someone to say “jk” but it never comes. I think I should probably go to bed but I just can’t seem to turn off my brain