Hi I'm m21 and my wife is f22. We have been together since we were 15 in hs and have had our ups and downs. For context, I am very hypersexual. I am unsure if it's because something happened to me when I was really young or just being exposed to way too much porn around 9. Me and my wife have had issues with sex for a long time, and I have progressively learned how to just wait for her to decide if she wants anything, then I got good at being like well I'd still like to innotate and not just beat myself up to get out of the mood. So I learned to simply ask, and if she says yes, then I believe her, because she was no longer just saying yes because I wanted it.
Now, my wife and I had some issues in February, and I realized I was severely neglecting her. I fixed my act, learned how to take care of myself, and be happy with myself. While also learning how to show my love without beating myself down, and do all the cheesy and cute things with her. Like thrifting, coloring, puzzles, and just everything, because all I used to do was play video games so much and go to bed for 2 yearsish, and it was bad. Now, around the end of March, I decided I am finally feeling good enough that I am going to go on a hike with my childhood best friend. During this hike near the very top, I slipped on a patch of ice and proceeded to fall down a 100ft cliff with a 45ft dropoff. I am okay now. I broke 11 bones and was stuck in a creek alone for a very long time. I didn't think I would ever get to hear or see my wife again because it was so high up that there was no cell service. I was eventually rescued and in the hospital by 9 pm.
I was sobbing and crying when I finally saw her. I was discharged 6 days later, and we lived at my parents' for a couple of weeks to adjust. Towards the end of my stay at my parents we started to have sex again, and it was great. She wanted it. I wanted it. I started feeling weird, though, like antsy, I wanted to go home. I think this is the beginning of my downward spiral. Fast forward a couple of days at my house, and things were really nice. We'd go on dates and just spend a lot of time together. Now, there was a night when I was seriously horny, but I knew my wife was exhausted and I didn't want to even ask because usually she has to get ontop beause of my injuries.
So I made up my mind on just jerking off and holding her ass, which I asked and she said yea do wtv you want and she passed out. I was about to finish, but I started just feeling depravity and like this surge of wait, I can't be done, I need to feel really good because all you feel is rock bottom. I tried to stop myself by staring at the ceiling for a good 4 minutes, but I remembered what she said, and it flooded my head. So I raped my wife. I uh tried to sleep and just push it down and forget what I just did. A couple of days later, after my wife recovered from being sick, she was really having a hard time cause her body felt so gross, but she thought it was just her still being sick. She thought about it more and realized why, and brought it up. I instantly started freaking crying.
I felt so gross, guilty, shameful, and just so bad because I knew what I did; she brought up that this had happened before, and I said yes. It has, but for that one, I don't know why or what happened because I actually fully repressed it. I just kept saying sorry, and it was a mess. She slept on the floor that night, and after that night, she's been sleeping on the couch, which has been really hard because I am barely sleeping now. She went to therapy, and I did as well. She asked me again why I raped her, and because I had just been a mess before this happened to the point of just breaking down, I couldn't figure out why I even did that. All I knew was that I couldn't control myself. Now I have had a manic episode in 2025 in July and a couple here and there, but because of that, I didn't know if that was why, because of everything just hurting me.
My answer was because I think I was manic which I know I should've just started with, I couldn't control my sexual desires becuase I know I need to separate myself from my disorder. I told her I didn't tell her because I felt so gross and ashamed and just so disgusted with myself. She agreed that she felt the same way, and that's why she didn't say anything the first time. This time is different because she's worked with her therapist on learning how to actually care for and prioritize yourself. Which is something I am really proud of her. So she understood a little bit, she didn't understand why I did it, and is scared that it could happen at any point. Since then, there has been no physical contact, and the way she describes it to me is she has this voice that's telling her to leave me and leave the house and get somewhere safe. She is my primary caretaker, so she is also getting caretaker burnout, and she has to repress that voice, everything she's near me, which is very often.
I told her the why and no excuses for what I did, and that I want her to feel safe and happy again, and that I will just keep working with my therapist to control my emotions and to control my sexual urges. I am very scared because as time has gone on she has become less and less able to supress it and is actively ignoring me and not looking at me and she keeps saying that her love for wanting to take care of me is there but nothing else, no desire no want for anything, idk if she doesnt find me attractive anymore but I can tell she just is scared and I wish I could help her. I know I did the right thing in fully supporting whatever she does, even if it's so scary. We are going to start couples therapy this week, and I am really hoping that this gives my wife the chance to heal and feel a little bit better. I told her she can let it out on me because she hasn't really gotten mad or anything, because she just cares so much about me that she is trying not to hurt me.
She started by saying I need these certain things to be able to make it work to now not knowing what she wants and not really thinking it'll work, but she still wants to try through couples therapy. The way she worded it sounded like she just wants couples therapy so that I have the support when she says the hard things, so that she doesn't have to worry about me, which I agree with, but it does make me think she's just going to say she wants a divorce. I just wish I hadn't thrown my life away twice within 44 days. I need help, I don't know what to do anymore, and our relationship was seriously beautiful. This is so shitty, I grew up where my dad had Bipolar 1 and would have scary mania episodes and beat me and my mom and try to kill both of us, and then he would serial cheat. I knew I didn't want to be like that, and this just feels so horrible because I know what kind of scared she's feeling, and it just fucking sucks.
I love my wife, and if she needs to separate, I'll do it because I just want her to be able to see that I am safe and that she can be happy. I'm sorry this was super long. I am autistic, and have severe chronic anxiety, severe chronic depression, ptsd, and adhd so you can kinda see that from my writing. I just need help if someone has been on the other side and fixed your marriage orr anything I know what I did is fucking one of the worst things you can do to someone special and I never wanted to even feel like id be losing her again because now im going from almost dying twice in one day to now losing my wife due to my fault which I just can't cope with and I know I need to be strong and okay so she can figure out how shes feeling.
She's like I need a reason to stay and I just told her that we'll be able to laugh, build puzzles, watch shows, go on walks and watch the clouds in a field, and that's my reason. Idk if that did anything, but I told her the little things are my reason. I know I am a shitty person for this, and you guys chew me out. I just want my wife to feel better, and I want to know if there's anything I can do to maybe help myself out.
Also wanted to point out she went to a party recently and it was her ex childhood bestfriend who just graduated college and she normally always texts me every so often but she texted me that she wasnt gonna come home and that wasnt normal and I called her and she didnt answer once which is also something shes never done, so I was weirded out and found out she gave her number to a guy and he texted heyy *** from the party it was nice to meet you:) And she's just being more closed off now, which I know I can't be mad because I fucked up, but I just feel weird and like she's already given up when previous days she said its gonna be so hard to work it out but now shes like I've given you chances like idk and its true but I literally have learned and overcame and treated her right. I don't have a father figure who treated his wife right, and so it just wasn't second-hand nature. For right now tho I didn't treat her right, and I want to be able to be with her. We have so many plans for the future and just so many things cause we'll be married 4 years and hit our 7 year soon, and it's really sad that I hurt her and broke her trust so badly.