Red string theory...
I used to think healing meant someone stops crossing your mind. That eventually enough time passes and the ache dissolves into nothing. That clarity replaces connection.
It’s been almost 12 months no contact, and I have healed more than you would probably believe.
I see everything clearly now...
The lies that became second nature.
The shame you carried so deeply you buried it under avoidance, addictions, distractions, anything that stopped you from having to sit with yourself.
The constant push and pull between wanting love and fearing it at the exact same time.
The way you’d reach for connection, then retreat the second it became real.
The walls, the self sabotage, the running.
The way you pushed love away the second it got too close because somewhere deep down you were convinced it would leave anyway.
But I also see the little boy underneath all of it now too.
The one who learned too early that love wasn’t safe.
The one carrying so much self hatred he destroys anything that tries to stay.
The one who thinks being abandoned is inevitable, so he abandons first.
And maybe that’s why I can’t fully hate you.
Because beneath everything, I understood you in ways you never let yourself be understood.
What I didn’t expect was your ex stalking me and then reaching out to me wanting clarity for herself. Somehow, it gave me more clarity too.
Hearing the things you’ve been doing.
The chaos.
The spiralling.
The lies.
The way you move through people when you’re drowning in yourself.
And hearing that you still talk about me constantly, even now. That part stayed with me longer than I want to admit.
Because what do you do with that?
With knowing someone can hurt you deeply, disappear from your life, and still carry you around in their mind at the same time?
Seems like we both live rent free in each other's head.
You were already at war with yourself long before me, and it sounds like things only got darker after I left.
Not because I think I could have saved you.
Not because I think I was special.
But because for the first time, I could separate your behaviour from my worth.
And still… despite all of that, there’s this pull I can't deny.
This invisible thread.
Like somewhere underneath all the silence, all the distance, all the damage, our energy still recognises each other.
It’s hard to explain to people who have never experienced it.
How someone can be completely absent from your life and still feel spiritually present in it.
How you can cut contact but still feel them.
Dream them.
Sense them.
Carry them.
Maybe soul ties are just trauma bonds dressed up romantically. Or maybe some connections really do leave fingerprints on your nervous system forever.
Either way…
We never fully left each other.
We just went quiet.
Red string theory, I guess...