u/LeoIversenBerner

I'm not here to ask for a diagnosis or smth like that. If the things I'm gonna say do break the rules, feel free to say it, and I'll take down this post. Said so, I want to share my own experiences. (Possible VENT, im letting out thoughts and burdens of highs and lows)

Hey everyone, I'm William, im trans FTM (not on T yet..), fast "warning" I can't get a diagnosis for BPD yet because of a lot of things in my life that are putting me in a long waiting line, I wish I could take at least a test because of my mental state because its killing me. I've been hell for a lot of time, I've had a rather unhealthy childhood, like always ignored/I found myself feeling alone or made fun of (and private things i dont want to share for my own sake), when I was 12 I got recovered because I hit my rock bottom and tried to yk (i dont want to say it, sorry), they said it was possible Autism spectrum (for my special interests and obsession with few things/routines and always same pattern in social things) and PTSD (from childhood trauma), but no docs gave me a full diagnosis/ response, I always felt grey, or at the minimum things I lashed out against people around me, like I feel always so empty to the point of crying for hours because nobody can understand me, I have nice hobbies, like to draw and edit, yet when I have those times of deep emptiness I find myself lying in bed all day and feeling like total crap then doing nothing, I don't smoke nor drink because I don't find it exciting (doesnt lifts my mood up or whatever). Psychologists said it's hormones and identity things, but I feel like they never take me seriously, and I get a lot dry or even raise my voice at them before regretting my action. I have a bf (he lives out of my country), I love him, but he's also a real heavy burden for me because of this distance and we have a lot of disagreements which results in me wanting to break up with him, at times I feel like I hate him tho and I can't regulate this extreme dehumanizing feeling I've had inside me (like frequent changes of presepctive and intense distrust and disgust). I have like a small list of friends and I get really upset if someone ignores me or leave me behind, I do get "protective", but I just don't want to find myself alone all again, I don't even know if it's BPD at all, but there is something really bad going on in this stupid brain of mine. I wish people would focus on what's going on right now and not always the topic of my recovery, it messes me up the feeling of uselessness and helplessness, I want to become an actor or voice actor, but at this rate I don't see myself going far in life. When I have my good moments, they sometimes last a bit, not continuous, I was genuinely in a good mood like an hour ago, then my bf texted me about smth, and everything fell. I wish that I got listened more in my life and maybe a normal company instead of too many nightmares. I did get prescribed anti-psychotics for like 3/4 years, but I had to stop them last October for body reasons, but even with the pills I felt unfixable, It only heightened my anger/frustration and sadness. I talked with family members, friends, and my psychiatrist; they all said "it's possible BPD"/"BPD signs", and it could click(?), but I don't want to self diagnose, I'm not doing that. I just want to live without feeling like this, I want to love normally.

Thanks for whoever read all this, I just wanted to share my feelings, I hope it didn't trigger nor broke rules. Please be safe yall, have a great day/night. (Sorry)

I did a rewatch of arcane w/ my mom

Feeling whatever is this