Living with my boyfriend and his brother has overwhelmed me
I (25F) have been living with my boyfriend (31M) for about three months, and we’ve been together for over a year. When I moved in, his brother was already living with him and had been for some time. It’s a three-bedroom home, so there is technically enough space for all three of us, and his brother is a nice person who respects our privacy. I’ve never had an issue with him personally. The problem is the cleanliness and the way the shared spaces are being maintained.
His brother has a lot of his mechanic and work-related belongings in the living room, which has taken up a significant amount of space. More recently, he has also been cooking more often, but he rarely cleans up after himself. Almost every morning, I go into the kitchen to find dirty dishes (with food still stuck all over them) the counters covered in mess, the stove covered in oil splatters, and the floors dirty from whatever was cooked the night before. I honestly have a hard time understanding how someone can cook one meal and leave the kitchen in that condition afterward.
The state of the house has been bothering me more and more because I feel like the shared spaces are constantly in disarray. I’ve brought this up to my boyfriend, but he doesn’t really see it the same way I do. To him, the house is just a little disorganized. To me, though, having empty packages, cans, dirty dishes, food, and other things left all over the place isn’t simply “disorganization”—it’s a mess that makes the house difficult for me to enjoy.
My boyfriend has told me that I should talk to his brother directly and be upfront about how I feel. However, I’m uncomfortable doing that because his brother was already living in the home before I moved in. I feel like I’m coming into an arrangement that was already established, and I don’t want to overstep or make it seem like I’m telling him how he should live in his own home. I’ve tried picking up after him, but it has gotten exhausting and frustrating, especially because I feel like I’m constantly cleaning up someone else’s mess.
Another issue is the amount of food waste. We will buy food he requests and he’ll leave it sitting around until it goes bad, which is frustrating to watch, especially because my boyfriend and I are the ones buying most of the groceries. He also eats a significant amount of the food, and while I completely understand that everyone has different appetites, there doesn’t seem to be much consideration for the fact that my boyfriend and I are paying for the groceries and need to be able to enjoy them as well.
At this point, it has gotten to the point where I don’t even enjoy spending time downstairs because of the mess and clutter. I feel like I can’t relax in my own home, and it has started affecting the routines and habits that normally help me feel healthy and happy. I know this isn’t how I want to live long-term, and I’m starting to feel overwhelmed by the situation.
I love living with my boyfriend and spending my time with him, so I don’t want the solution to be simply moving out or giving up living together. At the same time, I don’t think I should have to sacrifice my comfort and quality of life in order to make the living arrangement work. I’m struggling with what to do because I don’t want to create tension with his brother, but I also can’t continue living in a house that feels this messy and chaotic. I feel like my boyfriend needs to understand that this isn’t just about the house being “a little disorganized”, it’s affecting me on a daily basis, please give me any advice on this.