I'm literally half the man I used to be.
As of today I'm 113kg, squarely in the middle between my max of 226kg (498lb) and 0. There's literally half of me. I can't describe how weird that is to write not in some metaphoric sense, but measurable mathematical reality.
The feeling of freedom is almost overwhelming. The ability to just do things without pretty much dying from exhaustion, going to go to a shop and buy clothes. Or actually finding something my size in a thrift store. Not needing a handful of pills every day to maintain basic quality of life. Rediscovering things I didn't do for years. Like tying my shoes normally, without any weird acrobatics or holding in my breath. All those things are so great.
And that's why I feel so guilty about not appreciating all of them as much as I should. Because all of these only underline the ones that stayed the same. While I was aware losing weight won't magically fix all my problems and told my psychologist months ago. I expected to at least gain a bit of self confidence. But that didn't really happen. I'm still the same anxious, shy, nervous wreck. And I'm not sure if the feelings about my body didn't get worse. Before I just recognized I looked shit and that was mostly it. But now I obviously have all this extra skin that sags everywhere and sways and jiggles in this disgusting whenever I move or god forbid lean over anything. Any time I lay on my bed reading or whatever and in the corner of my eye get a glimpse of my belly and chest skin "flooding" the area in front of my trunk I just want to puke. It's so irritating that I can see that underneath all that there's my actual body, even can feel my ribs or pelvis, but it's all in this fucking deflated balloon. Probably the worst part are my former manboobs, now just hanging there with nipples in absurd places, I hate the fact you can see the outline of that through a shirt. When I was extremely obese I was a bit uncomfortable doing stuff like hugging people a bit, but now I just feel so repulsed I genuinely feel sorry for anyone I'm used to greeting by hugging. I really don't want to do that these days, but I'm not going to be telling anyone, I know that would be weird and I'm not going to make them responsible for fixing my mental issues. To think I wasted my 20s being morbidly obese, and now I'll potentially waste my 30s being this disgusting melted-pudding-man... I'll be honest I don't know what I'm rambling on about. I guess I needed to just get all of that out of myself.
And one more thing. I'm infuriated that I lost 113 fucking kilograms and I'm still obese. WTF is that?! It's not like I wasn't aware of the scale of super morbidly obese when I was at my heaviest, but doing all this work and still having the o word hanging over me is just bullcrap man! It feels so sticky when you are actually there and not just looking at a chart.
Dumb rant over. ❤️
I hope it'll get better when I get used to my current self more. So keep on going friends, it's worth it. But far from magic.