Need advice for moving out
Earlier this summer, I signed a lease for a shared apartment (I'd have my own room but shared bathroom/living spaces) that is $375.50 each month.
My total expenses after utilities and WiFi are $453.75. There's a shuttle near the place that could take me right to school, and I'd have to take the bus and Ubers to/from work, which is fine. I have two jobs but one is seasonal during the school year and the the other one is retail and I've saved up 6k in five months in preparation for moving out.
I make about $1.2k (sometimes more) a month with the second job included. But I feel so guilty at the prospect of me leaving that I think I'll use some of my savings for my tuition since my parents have paid it for the past two years. I pay my own car insurance (repairs as well) and credit card bill and never ever ask my parents for money because it feels wrong. I don’t think I’d be able to take my car as it’s in my dad’s name and he paid for most of it while I paid for 2.5k for it which was all the savings I had at the time that we bought it. I’d also just feel wrong taking it.
I've been paying rent in secret over the summer because I'm too scared to tell my parents. They are extremely against the idea and think it is the stupidest thing I could do at my age (20) and also being a junior in college. They only want me to move out post-grad but even then I doubt it. I think they'd only allow me to once I get a job offer out of state. They think it's more worth it for me to save up for a down payment on a house, but with the way the economy is looking it doesn't seem feasible. And I don't wanna live in my state forever, and I definitely don't wanna live in the U.S. long term.
My mom thinks people who move out young are stupid and that they'll never be able to retire and I feel guilty because they're already going through so many things and me leaving would be the cherry on top. One of our family friend’s daughters (she graduated a year ago and has a full time job) recently moved out of her mom’s house to live with her friends and my mom brings her up frequently to call her dumb and compare her to our other family friend’s son (also postgrad full time worker) who she believes is smarter because he’s staying with his mom and investing. She says she could be investing the $1.5k she pays in rent instead of making someone else richer. I told my mom that just because someone is doing something you don’t want them to do doesn’t mean that they’re dumb and she mocked me.
I don't think it'd be fair/even possible for me to try to get out of the lease because it's year long and I don't wanna disappoint my roommates. It makes me sad to think of returning my key. Also in June, I went over there to drop off some clothes and books. School starts next week and I feel so torn with a quarter of my closet not with me. My whole life I have put my parents first and I’ve been a pacifist to the point of hurting myself. My mental health is in shambles and I’m at my wits end. They also think that it’s impossible to save money if you’re not living in your parent’s house.
The other night my mom brought up how I used to talk about moving out and said “how would you feel if you moved out knowing we’re still paying for the mortgage on the house” which just felt so weird. She expected me to feel wrong about leaving, but I truly felt nothing when she said that. What does her mortgage have to do with me? I was nine years old when we moved to this house. She’s still gonna need a house for our family regardless of me living in it😭
I just feel so guilt ridden, and she knows she’d never ask me for money to help pay for bills. They’d rather me stay home and invest so I can be a millionaire at 59, but I doubt I’ll be alive by then and I’d rather have that money now as immature and childish as that sounds. I just don’t know what to do. I also feel crazy because we fight less but I’m still depressed all the time. My family isn’t the healthiest, mentally speaking. And they just walk around enabling and triggering each other and I feel so stuck. And I don’t mean that in a rude way, I observe them and feel sad because their behavior isn’t normal.
A few months ago, living here was hell but now it’s manageable but it still hurts. Especially lately that I realized we all have our own mental issues that we refuse to acknowledge. It feels like healing will never be in the picture for me. Every time I think about it I feel suicidal. I know my parents would never let it go if I did leave, they’re the type to never get over anything. Please someone give me advice or tell me your success story especially if you had strict parents. I would also appreciate if nobody insulted my parents in the replies. Thank you.