AITA For questioning my marriage after my partner said they hate me?
TL:DR
I 32F and my partner 36F have been together for 7 years married for 2.
On paper we have a beautiful relationship! We work well together, our friends come to us for advice, we have built a beautiful life with a big house and 4 dogs!
Recently we had a huge argument over her lack of following through with plans and how whenever I compromise for her it makes her feel inadequate.
In the heat of the argument she said “fuck you” and accused me of misunderstanding her on purpose, after misreading a text I sent. The text was repeating back to her what she was expressing and at the end I put “am I missing anything?” To me it’s a simple “correct me if I’m wrong” but to her interpretation it was uncalled for and warranted the “fuck you” response.
I didn’t speak to her for two days until she caught on and asked to speak. She apologized for misreading my text and for escalating a simple argument into a big blow up. I wanted her to speak fully and express her pain and feelings because I didn’t want her to feel unseen or misunderstood. She started off soft and kind but when I mentioned the “fuck you” statement and how it was completely uncalled for she flipped.
“It’s how I was feeling in the moment.” I told her that you can’t feel “fuck you” and that you can feel dismissed, frustrated, upset, etc that you can feel emotions and that fuck you simply is not an emotion nor is it okay to say to a partner.
She felt justified in saying “fuck you” because she assumed I was intentionally misunderstanding her and refusing to see her side. To her I only brought up the fact that she falls through when making plans and keeping promises to guilt trip her and my solution of making compromises for her/the relationship, to make things easier, is making her feel inadequate.
I apologize for making her inadequate and offered a better phrase to say instead of “am I missing anything.” I had to explain to her after that I do not respond well to aggressive language like that, which she knows. I tearfully had to mention my trauma about aggression. My parents would argue A LOT and things would get heated my Dad would say something out of left field, Mom would go silent and take it out on me and my siblings. Luckily we do not have children but I cannot be in that environment again.
The whole time I’m explaining this she is looking at me with these eyes? I always called them shark eyes because they’re sharp and dark? At first I figured she was just annoyed with me bringing it up. But luckily she apologized and said that she would try now to use language like that during arguments.
But what came after was almost worse.
Hours later after we had addressed her feelings of inadequacy and what we can both do to help her feelings less of that I couldn’t shake her eyes and my frustration I still felt over the FU situation.
I told her that the second I brought up the FU statement and how it made me feel, expressing the pain and hurt it caused, she was looking at me with these shark eyes? With contempt, and how it made me feel uneasy and question if I was wrong for bringing it up instead of letting it slide.
She said she was looking at me with contempt and in fact she hated me sometimes. I was shocked and stunned, I didn’t know what to say.
I asked her what do I do or say that caused her to hate me sometimes and she told me she couldn’t answer.
I left for a few hours to cry, cool off, and sit with what I just heard. When I got back I asked her again, “why?” She said that she has hate for only people she loves? Like her mom or brother or her best friend?
I told her I don’t know how to feel or how to move forward knowing she hates me sometimes. This is completely normal to her and she doesn’t empathize or understand why I am reacting the way I am. I am overacting to her?
AITA for questioning our relationship? I don’t know what to do.