I woke up without a hole in my chest today
Hi, long time lurker and just wanted to post this somewhere.
We broke up towards the end of last year. 4 years together boiled down to her wanting to pursue another guy cause he gives her "butterflies" while I tried to fight for us, even throwing every bit of pride I had away and begging her through tears to reconsider. She was steadfast in what she wanted and in the end I let her go.
The first few months were the worst. I had to unlearn small behaviors in my daily life, from reaching for my phone first thing and wishing her good morning to not buying too many snacks from 7/11 since there isn't anyone to share them with. I'd often be alone with my thoughts after work, plenty of what if's that I would ask over and over. Travel plans and the countries we were going to visit and even the plan to get engaged as soon as she was more stable at her job. The anger and sadness I felt during this time would always leave my chest feeling numb, like there was nothing there and I would carry this feeling during day to day life.
As the months continued, the people around me started noticing a change in my behavior even commenting that they felt that I wasn't all there. The negative feelings and numbness culminated 2 months ago, after getting home from a particularly bad day of work I broke down by myself and ugly cried for hours, this was the first time since the breakup that I'd cried and the sense of relief I felt in that moment was immense. I'd eventually pass out from the exhaustion and take leave the following day to mentally recover.
The day after my breakdown I promised myself that I would change, I signed up for the gym and I even set up a strict schedule to follow, I took up hobbies that took me outside and away from being alone with my thoughts for too long. These changes leads me to this morning, I woke up feeling rested but more than that I didn't feel the numbness in my chest after such a long time. I still have plans like going to therapy but for now I'll take being able to feel normal again as a big win.