How do i tell my friend I would like her to step down as a bridesmaid?
TLDR: How do i have a conversation with my friend who i have trouble connecting with, that I would love her to still play a big roll, but id like her to step down as a bridesmaid since were not that close anymore?
Hello to everyone!
I'm writing this on mobile so I apologize if my paragraphs combined.
So, I'm not quite sure where to post this, but I need advice, so i think this is the place.
Kind honest feedback is welcome please!
Fake names used, I typed it our and realized "her" was not identifiable enough for the post.
Basically, I(24F) have a friend, Juliet, (22F) whom I was really close with. Our friendship has been off and on as far as hanging out and communication goes, but she's always been really supportive, and vice versa.
We used to be close, but she made other friends who more closely followed her partying lifestyle, and with me being pregnant then having a newborn, it hasn't really been my scene.(No judgements, I just couldn't go out and keep up with her, as shed be out at after party's downtown in our Capitol, till like, 4am)
Juliet made a lot of decisions I didn't agree with, and found herself in a lot of dangerous situations, so while I was always there for her and supportive of her, I stopped trying to connect as much because I couldn't stand by and watch it happen.
She stopped talking to me completely at one point, as someone took advantage of her at an after party, and she shut down entirely. It took a long time for her to reach back out, and I tried to be as supportive as I could, with the access she gave me. I tried to give her what she needed from a friend in the moments she did reach out. She wanted to rely more on her BF at that point. He encouraged her not to file a police report, so one was never filed and the hospital was denied taking the proper procedures.
We drifted apart further when she became official with her BF. Her responses went from once or twice a week to every two, to once or twice a month. She doesn't open my messages unless to ask for something, or vent about things going on in her life. Yes, i still double, triple or quadruple text or Snapchat, and get no response to pictures, messages, Instagram reels, etc..
I know she is actively not answering and opening my messages because when were together she is the type to always be texting. She calls me her best friend, but I don't feel that she's my best friend anymore, after everything and all the distance.
My wedding party is already small, only 3 people including Juliet, and i really want people in my wedding party who I'm close with and are actively part of my life. My two other party member have been, respectively, in daily contact consistently for the past, year for one, and 9 years or so. I've known my one bridesgroomsmen since grade 1, and met my best friend during my pregnancy and we've been inseparable since.
There's a lot going on in Juliets life, so theres no blame on her, but I need close friendships where we at least touch base couple times a week. That's not for everyone, and i have plenty of good friends who i talk with less that I'd still give my left kidney to if they needed it, same with her, but i didn't ask them to be my bridesmaids... I've talked to her before about how i understand she's going through a lot and wants to pull away, but I can't help if she won't allow me to reach out, and it was good for awhile... evidently things didn't stick.
I don't want to be already questioning it now, have this be a point of contention and resentment, and then have it explode after the wedding. After photos have all been taken... Hopefully that doesn't sound stupid or mean. Is it mean to not want photos of your wedding to have someone you barely speak to anymore in them?
I know this needs to be a conversation with Juliet, but i don't know if this would be a bridezilla move, how to even have this conversation with her without ruining the friendship etc.
A big part of why I asked juliet was my people pleasing ways. I wanted to life up her spirits and draw us closer together, but it didn't help long term, and now I'm honestly regretting asking. I fear it would've almost broken our friendship if I hadn't asked because the minute Juliet found out i was getting married she labeled herself my bridesmaid(I had told her I wouldn't be having a maid of honor, but that's just because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I was going to make my mom the MOH, but I kinda want to make my childhood bestie and longtime friend the maid of honor or my friend I've become really close with)
I already lost one of my other bridesmaids/friends(childhood bestie had reached out, but slowly drifted off until she hasn't responded to my messages now in over 2 months... last I heard she couldn't respond cause she "got locked out" of all her social media and couldn't connect to her old number since she had moved and gotten a new phone.) I had asked her after she moved and she was already growing distant at that point, she doesn't really believe in long distance friendships, so we went from calling 3 times a week on her drives home from work at 3am to no contact...
So I'm a little jaded, and a little scared.
How do I not be a people pleaser in this situation? Would i be a people pleaser if I just said whatever and didn't ask her to step down?
Also, she hasn't been with anyone in over a year and a half and just got diagnosed with chlamydia, as well as her boyfriend, who has convinced her it was negligence on the part of the doctor who last tested her when she was SA'd instead of him admitting to cheating... so i don't really want him there either but THAT feels like a big bridezilla move...
TIA for reading!