Enmeshed Parents reaction backfired / Hell Broke Loose
Been married for 3 years. A bit before the wedding, I saw and was deeply uncomfortable by certain things I was witnessing..specifically through MIL - though I couldn't exactly put my finger on it. Over time through these communities here on Reddit, Youtube (Jerry Wise, Dr. Ramani) a light bulb went off..I felt deeply angry. I saw it in realtime of how this family system is so destructive to children and adult children..I wish I had more tact, and approach with how I showed my husband that his family system is deeply enmeshed and NA. It was too much too soon. Backfired on me. I became the bad guy.
It's been extremely hard the last 3 years. My husband has screamed at me for bringing up the word "boundaries" too much - he would yell "what does that even mean?" ..we've been teetering through the denial phase - he refused couples therapy though thankfully there was work happening with his individual therapist. 2 years in, finally heard from husband that his therapist said "I think your wife is onto something.." sigh..
I was in deep depression after the wedding cause I instantly realized what I got myself into, and combined with my other life stuff..it was a heavy heavy weight on my shoulders. Had never been so depressed in my adult life. I felt like we were supposed to be "happy newlyweds" but I felt trapped / oppressed by his family. Constantly compared to her other DIL. Had to live through the other son (who was jobless for 3 years) and DIL getting a gorgeous condo purchased for them, a car given to them..meanwhile we are working our butts off to create savings, a down payment, bought our own car etc. I know it's better this way. Though it is still hurtful.
I'm finally in a really positive place through my individual therapy, focusing on myself, taking care of myself better so I can show up in my marriage even better! I'm so relieved to feel like myself again though still shaky when incidents like this happen. & fully aware of how much more work I need to show up better for my husband. He literally doesn't even know what he needs or wants...
Behind the scenes there's been deep tension brewing with his family. I have deep empathy for my husband as he feels he is in between his family and his wife. He shared with his parents over the weekend that "we were thinking of separation" (I actually was not. We were fresh from a fight, I was shocked and broke down when he brought up separation to me, it was the first time) and he was shocked to find his parents immediately agreed. He told me he was shocked by what they said;
"We don't think (my name here) knows what to do with a nice boy like you" - erm he's in his 40s.
"You (my husband/son) had a happy childhood, it sounds like (my name) had an unhappy childhood." this one cuts deep - my vulnerabilities and my childhood being used against me? I did not choose or deserve to be brought up in DV environment? I've done the hard work and YEARS of therapy. I started my healing journey a long time ago, and set my boundaries with my family a long time ago. And now my family and I have the most positive relationship we've ever had. I don't know how they can say their children had a happy childhood when 1 son tried to take their life twice, and the other son was a heroin addict for 10 years plus, but to each their own.
**"**We really want our son back. We want the happy guy we used to remember."
"Everyone is worried about you - your sister, your brother, your aunts, everyone"
"We're proud of you for wanting a divorce - this shows that you have respect for yourself."
"We just want you to move back here. Let us know if you need any help."
Their transparency of wanting us to divorce says it all..so so enmeshed. I knew they didn't like me but wow NOW I really know and it's hard to swallow what the future may bring. I know...one day at a time. Anxiety is fear of the future. I have to stay present. But wow. It actually backfired. It actually shocked my husband so much that he is open to couples therapy. I asked him how he felt about being categorized as "a nice guy" he said he didn't like it. I don't like it. He's much more than that. He has depth, he's complex, I think he's brilliant, his capacity is deep. He's sensitive, funny and I'm always learning something new every day from him.
Anyone else been at this threshold? I'm looking for a couples therapist with a background of enmeshment. Any insight helps. Appreciate this community so much. Sending big hugs and love to you all.