I understand wanting drinking to deal with sadness and failure, but no one warned me about success
Yesterday I recieved a call with a job offer. Though it's contract, its something I genuinely care about, pays enough and will get me quite a bit of community connections if I do a good job. This is after 7 straight months of unemployment. I have 3 weeks of unemployment left, am totally broke and was 2 weeks away from having to put in my 30 days and lose my apartment, and move into my friends basement in a 30 sq foot area with no light. And due to me not paying my debt, my credit is destroyed so God knows how long it would have taken to get out of the situtation. I was going to lose everything I ever worked for. But lo and behold, a solution to my problem right when I needed it. Hooray right? For at least three months I won't have to obsess constantly about how I would need to draw out 1000 dollars to survive another 3 month, looking at storage units and crying. I won!
I am 14 days sober, and in those 14 days I have not wanted a drink once. In fact, the idea grossed me out, remembering my last vomit covered bender. After I hung up the phone, and sat there for a moment, I have never wanted a drink so bad in my fucking life. To stay sober I had to eat a pint of Ben and Jerrys and take enough melatonin to put down a small elephant. I am still thinking about it now. Gonna be a rough day.
I don't get it, I got almost everything I ever asked for, and I can't stop crying and thinking about downing a fifth in the dark. And I am doing so well, before I was drinking to blotto every day, my apartment was disgusting and I was sleeping 17 hours a day, contemplating suicide. All of those things are fixed, my apartment is beautiful now, so why do I just want to drink until I black out? Apparently there can be severe pain in joy, and I am not equipped to handle it. I guess I got 2 weeks out of not fiending, and now it time to pay my dues.