I waited 1 year and 5 months for intimacy to come back, but now my partner says it never will
Our relationship started in 2024 through a mutual Discord server. We talked constantly despite the distance — long chats, voice calls, just being present with each other — and eventually became partners.
The beginning was exciting. He’s (26m) kind, thoughtful, and genuinely tries to understand me, and I (28m) try to do the same with him. We still spend a lot of time together on voice calls, watching videos, just existing in each other’s company. That part hasn’t changed, and I’m grateful for it.
But a lot has.
We went through a rough patch where he broke up with me. After a few months, we found our way back to each other. I think a big part of what happened — and what still happens — is his depression and the way he shuts down when he’s struggling. He used to be so open with me. Now I only know something’s wrong when his attitude shifts. We always talk it through eventually, and we both hold each other accountable when we’ve hurt the other. That part I respect.
What I’m grieving is the intimacy. It’s completely gone. No more of that easy, playful closeness we used to have. Even a casual suggestion of anything sexual makes him pull back and ask me to wait — possibly years. I’ve been waiting for over a year and a half now, and he’s said it might be even longer.
I’ve tried to understand where he’s coming from. He’s been navigating a real identity crisis — thoughts about his gender that go back to childhood — and I’ve supported him through all of it without question. When he told me he identifies as a boy again, I told him I was with him no matter what. But after that, he started closing off. Keeping things inside even though I keep reminding him I’m here.
He’s also told me his sexual attraction has shifted more toward women lately. And recently, he mentioned he doesn’t want sex with anyone anymore — that he’s content being alone with his sex toys. He said this won’t change, even if we get married someday.
I asked him if any of this would be different if I were a girl. He said no.
I don’t know what to do with that.
I’ve tried so hard to be someone who shows up for him, who doesn’t pressure him, who gives him space when he needs it. And I think I have been. But I’m losing sleep trying to figure out if I did something wrong, or if I’m just slowly being left behind in a relationship I’m still fully in.
The hardest part is that when I try to bring this up, he shuts it down. “I’m done with this conversation.” And that’s it.
I have no one else to talk to about this. He’s my person, and right now he’s also the reason I’m lying awake at night. I just needed to get this out somewhere.