my mother ruined me
My mother made my life a living hell since I was a child. I'm not sure how or when the abuse started, but it was when I was 7-8 years. She would come into my room and get under the blankets and rub her body on my genitals. I would just be focused on the television because I was scared to see what she was doing. She would perform oral sex on me.
Yes, I admit that I enjoyed what she did to me. The worst part is the manipulation that happened afterwards. Sometimes, she would start crying and saying that I didn't enjoy it much. Sometimes she would say that Im gonna tell on her. She would run to her room and yell at me to leave her alone. I would feel so scared and sad, and I would run after her, telling her that I loved it and that I wouldn't tell anyone. I would have to hug her and kiss her afterwards to make her feel better. I'm not really sure if I loved it or hated it, but I had to pretend like I loved it more than anything.
When she'd come into my room, I'd be sure to greet her with a smile. I would have to moan loudly to prove to her that I enjoyed it. After a while, it turned to full penetration with no blanket covering her. Afterwards, she would lay down with me and I'd give her a bunch of compliments so she thought that I enjoyed it. If I didn't, she'd slap my hand away, push me away and tell me that I'm a piece of shit. She would say things like "I did my make up for you", "I put this outfit on for you" and I'd have to get on my knees and apologize for being such a shitty person. I hate how mean she was to me.
I remember one time she put an XXX video during one of the times, and I turned my head to face the wall of my room because I felt uncomfortable seeing the nude bodies. She caught on right away, got off me, and it's like world war 3. She started saying that I thought she was a disgusting pig, and all these awful things. And there I go again, running after her swearing that it wasn't true. That I wanted to watch more of the adult videos. That she was a good mom. The best mom in the world. That I wanted to be with her forever. That I would never get married to anybody. All these fake fucking stupid promises to make her feel better.
The worst part is that I got such a high when she would finally cheer up. I felt like her hero, like the only person that could make her feel good. It's like she became more and more unstable as years went on. I started missing so much school. There were days where she didn't want me to go. I would still go to class, but she'd pick me up at 10AM so that I wasn't counted absent. I would go home, while my poor sister would stay at school.
I felt so responsible to my mother. I was the most loyal person in the world. I wouldn't talk to female classmates out of respect for her. I felt like I could help my mom be a good person again. I felt so much love for her. I idolized her, worshipped her.
The abuse continued for several years. The same toxic relationship. Fights, intercourse, apologies. She passed away in 2020 from COVID. She apologized in a very strange way. I told her she had nothing to be ashamed for. I don't even know why I said that. I ended up apologizing to her for being a bad son. I begged her for her forgiveness. I don't know why.
I fell into a depression after she passed away,, and I've never really come out of it. I have decent days. But most days are bad. Every relationship I've been in, I've ruined. I'm the most toxic boyfriend. Im searching for that feeling everywhere. I start fights. I use manipulation. I don't even know how to be a genuine person anymore. I'll never get married. My mom broke me. Something in me died when I was a little boy. The light in my eyes is gone. I miss my mom. But I hate her. I wish I had a normal childhood. I want to feel what it's like to be innocent. I'll never get that back.