Stoic guidance for struggles with relationship with my wife
Hello, I am looking for advice on a stoic response to the fact that there is one person in my life that I can’t escape the instant reaction to- which is my wife.
I know that the power that I have is that I can control how I respond to a situation- and I am much better at that since I started studying stoic philosophy. In fact I am even much better at it with my wife, but I am not good enough. As a bit of background she suffers from some mental illness- it is mostly under control but her personality has changed markedly from the person that I fell in love with and married.
She ……..really doesn’t like me. I don’t exactly know why. I am sure I am not perfect and I am very introspective about how I act. Slight aside that I am the sole breadwinner for our family- have been for more than 20 years and while I am successful it is an extremely demanding job and an incredible grind to keep it up- and I cannot stop with kids about to go to college - but I also do a significant amount of work at home - Take care of half of cooking and meals for the kids, do laundry, drive kids where they need whenever I am available.
I obviously know that there is an answer that includes separating from her but I have decided that kids being in an intact family with two parents is much more important and I don’t want them to be in a situation where their mother is not okay. I decided that my kids being okay is far more important than my happiness in the relationship- I have made my peace with that.
What I can’t figure out how to deal with is how she treats me which includes her walking around the house in a rage, being mean and verbally abusive towards me. I have described to my therapist the feeling of being punch drunk ( although no physical abuse) from the constant barrage. There are snippets of the person I love that come out every so often and all the feelings come flooding back but I have this nearly existential hurt that I am married to someone who treats me this way. It is as if I don’t have a safe space in my life other than when I am alone or it is just me and my kids.
Again, I know that my reaction is the thing I have power over but this is someone who I just don’t have the level of defenses for. So beyond the thoughts of my reaction- are there other stoic writings that give advice on how to think about these situations. My goal is to protect my own mental state so I can otherwise be the best me for my children.