I am 2 weeks post leaving my program ABD, completed dissertation that I didn't have the chance to defend, because reasons, and I am realizing that I didn't know I haven't really been a person for the past few years. I'm still heartbroken that I worked so hard and it was not recognized, but my husband said tonight that I seem happy again and like I'm finding my way back to the person I want to be, and I think that's true.
Well, it's pretty clear to me that I won't be able to finish my PhD. No idea what to do now since the reasons I was pursuing it were so I could teach full time at the college level. I'm in English Lit, so it's not like there's booming industry in the private sector for me. I'm really good at the thing, but circumstances have proven insurmountable for me. I feel like a complete failure, but I hope I'll get over that in time. I'm just trying to grapple with the death of my dream and my deep disappointment by finding a path forward, but I don't know what that is. I guess I just want some reassurance that there is some happiness beyond this. I kind of don't remember what it's like to be happy.