My mother is racist but I am ‘an exception’ to her racism
I apologise if this post comes off as emotional, I guess I am hurting so much.
My mother is Slavic, while my father is a South Asian. We currently live in a country she hates and say there are too many South Asians here, they are uncultured and that ‘they are all the same’. Our neighbours, who are also south Asian, make a lot of noise: their child screams a lot; this set off my mother today. She went on a rant about how bad South Asian people are, they ‘don’t change’ no matter how many generations down the line they have lived in this country. She told me that another friend of her and my father wouldn’t even want to talk to my father because they hate South Asians (I’m suspecting this isn’t true and an exaggeration, they seem very supportive of me and my family). Weirdly enough, my mother is never racist to me at all and thinks I look very good.
She said a lot more than this but you probably get the idea now. This has unfortunately resulted in this affecting OCD, a disorder I have struggled with for a long time. Now I wake up feeling constantly ugly, constantly checking my face, comparing my face, trying to see if I look perfectly wasian and not just ‘asian’. I ask my partner more than 30 times per day if I look like what I am and not ‘just Asian’. I do appear Asian to some people and not Asian to some, I objectively KNOW that. But my brain is hurting and can’t help but search for a definitive, safe, conclusion so that I am not who my mother is talking about.