First session last night (troches)
I've dealth with TRD for as long as I can remember. I've watched several of my family members lose the battle over the years. Thankfully my mom is still alive, but some of my earliest memories are of finding her in the throws of suicide attempts at a very young age. My own personal coping skill has been to try to outrun depression itself. I thought that if I was successful enough, the feelings of not being good enough would go away. That if I just succeeded enough I could convnice myself that I'm not a failure. Over the years, when things would get unmanageable, I would try different anti-depressants, but none worked. I'm now 46 and "outrunning" depression doesn't feel like a viable option anymore. My therapist recomended ketamine therapy. Last night was the first session using troches. I have to admit, I feel hopeful. It was just the starting microdose so I can't say that I felt any life altering effects, but I did feel small waves of a calming feeling, and for some short moments, peace. It gave me hope and I haven't felt hopeful in a long time. Again, I don't want to oversell the experience, but I can definitely see this working. I'm assuming when the wave of peace came through, it was when the Ketamine was peeking. I can't tell you whether it was for 1 minute or 10 minutes, but I didn't want it to go away. What pulled me out was feeling a tear drop land on my cheek. I'm not a crier and I wasn't sad. It was just a much needed break. So anyways, that's how it felt for me. I'm cautiously optomistic to see how tonight goes.