AITD for refusing to spend the 4th of July with my boyfriend?
I feel a bit vulnerable writing this, but the main reason I am writing is because I really want to know if I’ve messed up.
I am a 20-year-old trans man, and my boyfriend is an almost 19-year-old cis man <3 I will call him Clay.
We are long-distance as of a month ago, so I was excited to hear that he would be coming to my town to celebrate the 4th of July. He asked if I wanted to spend it with him, and of course I said yes, especially because I would otherwise be alone on the holiday. Then I asked him where he would be, and he said he is visiting “the Steps” for the holiday. Immediately I was disappointed and didn’t want to go anymore.
The Steps are his stepparents and his younger half-siblings. He has lived with them full-time for most of his living memory, and they are the most unpleasant people I have ever met. They’re all unpleasant, but the Most Unpleasant™ is his father figure, who I will call Seth. I would never be able to write out every single oddly inappropriate thing he has done to me and Clay, but I’ll hit the highlights.
Seth is extremely homo/biphobic towards Clay. He is transphobic towards me, *corrects* Clay when Clay genders me correctly, criticizes me when I wear men’s clothes (“that’s not how you tie a tie” yeah thanks Sherlock that’s probably because I’ve never worn one before), asks obviously dysphoric questions like “what color is your dress going to be?”, etc., etc. He often “punished” Clay for not doing his chores by not allowing us to see each other for WEEKS at a time, but then he’d turn around and invite me to church all friendly and say that “I’m always welcome” at their house. Last time I was at their house, he sat us down and ordered us not to kiss. He has also asked Clay not to touch me. As in, not to tap on my leg or put an arm around my shoulder. I have overheard him over the phone yelling at Clay for not being a “gentleman” towards me, yelling at him for not offering to buy my car gasoline because men are supposed to be the providers. And that’s just how Seth treats Clay and me; he’s also just a jerk in general to his own wife and other children.
The reason why Clay and I are long-distance now is because Clay moved out the moment he was able to. He lives with other family now, who are a long drive away but much kinder to both of us.
Shortly before the move, an event occurred that was the final straw for me. Seth and his wife had agreed to let Clay stay at my house overnight. This was planned literal months in advance, but tHE NIGHT BEFORE, Seth had some concerns and made up some conditions: 1) my mother has to be in the house the whole time, 2) we cannot sleep in the same room, and 3) Clay has to go to the store, supervised, and buy [devices to keep me from getting pregnant]. After I had AGREED to the ridiculous terms, he flipped out and cancelled the evening altogether.
I have fought tooth and nail to follow Seth’s rules because I’m afraid Clay will be punished if I don’t, but even when I follow them perfectly, he still punished us. I felt hopeless. Clay called me on the phone and I snapped. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve been angry to the point of yelling and this was one of those times. I yelled, “Seth hates me because I’m trans and tortures you for dating a trans person. I bet he only tolerates me at all because I have a female body. If I had a male body he wouldn’t let you date me at all and that is disgusting.” My mom heard me yelling from a different room in the house and asked what on earth was going on. I broke down sobbing.
I told Clay that I never want to see Seth again. I have not seen Seth since. This was a little over a month ago.
I’m not sure why Clay is visiting them for the holiday, but I told him if Seth is going to be there, I really don’t want to go. Clay immediately responded with, “Please. I need emotional support and I want to see you.” I told him I will have to think about it because I was very serious when I said I never want to see Seth again.
I don’t want Clay to be alone, and I do want to spend time with him. I miss him. I don’t want him to have a bad time, and I don’t want him to feel like I care more about my own comfort than his. I don’t want to make a selfish move by protecting myself but leaving him to the wolves. That being said, if I go, I feel like I’m not putting my foot down, or not taking transphobia seriously.
So, AITD for refusing to spend the 4th of July with my boyfriend?