Late 20s and close to 30s I am not coping well
didn’t enjoy my early 20s, internships and opportunities were closed due to COVID, then my parents divorced after I graduated college making me fall into a four year depression unable to function which awoke a hidden trauma I had (I was SA as a kid from 5 to 10) I deprived myself from being a woman because i felt dirty, never had any boyfriend because it feels dirty. i am in therapy, but it doesn’t work it just stitch a wound that eventually will reopen because too many normal things were stolen from you. i changed, I tried making myself feel pretty, went into fashion which is something I’m passionate. Yet, I don’t like my life even though I’m trying to change and make the best of it. But, it’s not working. I have too many fears that cripples me, and right now is turning 30. It represents a heavy weight, change, and things that I am not prepared for. I don’t even feel my age. I don’t know if it’s social media messing with my head, or that i am putting too much symbolism to 30. I may sound shallow, but I don’t. Want to get old. Many people have told me age is just a number, aging is a privilege, but I don’t see the good in it. I lost my grandma, and she was depressed. She was not happy. I miss her to this day, and I will never forget how fast her health declined from a week to being able to speak to the next week to be unable to open her eyes.
She wasn’t the person I knew when she died. I also lost my grand aunt or (the sister of my grandpa) she used to be fashion, she used to party, and be all pretty, she stopped eating, got depressed, and was all skin and bones when I also last saw her. She was the most kindest woman I have known, she didn’t recognize me.
Now, for some damn reason I feel like 30s is old, that your body will change even if you eat healthy, that food stops being your fuel but a threat to your body (I am recovering from an eating disorder which was triggered from the SA and also i have some form of arfid) I have tried to think hey 30s aren’t old, I also try to look up for role models. But pfff, it doesn’t work. I’m trying to apply to a masters degree in college, but at the same time this is overriding my passion. I’m trying to live in the present, but it’s hard really really hard when it stops being in your head and manifest in your body (tight chest, crying, etc…) because I am lost with myself with my body, my sexuality (i am straight, but I have never have sex, never consider myself attractive, I have ya know masturbated but I don’t know if i am doing it right, or if I even want to be naked around a man) the only thing that keeps me going is the masters degree, i want to go to london, maybe hell focus on college stress and immerse myself in threads and fabrics. As well as I trying foods that I have never wanted to eat before. But, the more I think about turning 30 the more miserable I become. It’s so bad, I have contemplated suicide. I spoke to my therapist about this, but it only brought disgust towards myself. It wasn’t her fault. I was diagnosed with CPTSD and ADHD with OCD.
It doesn’t help that I don’t have a good relationship with my father. He is narcissistic and emotionally abusive.
I wish I was 24 which is the age I feel more close than late 20s. It just hurts so bad, really bad.