u/MadisonBrave

I am not OOP. The OOP for this post is u/theexcitingone. Her posts were made to r/ relationships, and I received permission from OOP to share

Important Context: Many people suggested Loop Earplugs to OOP in the previous posts as they are a company that tries to help those with sensory challenges. They also have an insightful article that explains many causes of sensory overload for those who may not be aware, and I highly suggest the article https://www.loopearplugs.com/blogs/blog/how-to-deal-with-sensory-overload

Trigger Warning: >!refusing to seek medical assistance for a minor, ableism, suicidal!<

Mood Spoiler: >!unfortunate!<

Original Post: (December 8th, 2024)

My family is close with a couple from church who we referred to as our godparents (in their 60s) growing up since my preteen days. They're in their late 60s, and they've also counseled my parents on many things through the years (finances, big purchases, Biblical advice). They're also church leaders, and they've celebrated almost all of our milestones with us; to the point that they're basically family. However, they struggle with boundaries, and I've lost respect for my parents who continue to give them a pass in this specific area pertaining to my post

My brother is autistic and very shy, and he always asks us not to have the waiters sing happy birthday when we go out for dinner. Our godparents have a prank they like to do to embarrass people, and that's having the waiters sing happy birthday even when it's not someone's birthday for free cake every time we go to a restaurant. Before I continue, I want to point out that both my parents and godparents are church leaders, and church leaders (at least in our church) always go to a restaurant following Sunday service to mingle further. My godparents pull the prank on a random leader each Sunday, to the point that it became an inside joke in the group (like who's it gonna be today). But when they did it to my brother years ago (on the Sunday of his birthday week), he literally cried from the attention of the nearby tables as they sang to him. My dad asked them not do it to him anymore after that, and they listened for a few years until this weekend

My dad reminded them not to do it this year when we went to eat with leaders (on the week of his birthday), and they agreed beforehand. But they later changed their mind and did it anyway (and said he was overreacting when he retreated to the bathroom for some time afterward). I told my dad that we shouldn't go out with them anymore, but he disagreed because he considers them family even though it's the second time now, and we rarely celebrate anything without them. Is there anything I can say to get through to him because I don't know at this point, and they won't let my brother stay home after he asked following Saturday in regards to future restaurant trips with them. What should we do?

First Update: (June 11th, 2025)

It's been some time since my first post, but I've since reflected on something that caused many misunderstandings in our family for years thanks to a therapist at my college (and the restaurant incident being the latest in a string of misunderstandings). I didn’t go to the therapist for myself, but rather my brother and a condition we couldn't name. My parents knew he had some sort of autism growing up, but they weren’t sure what this other thing was. I'll describe it in a moment as I did for my therapist who was able to provide much clarity. But this condition played a role in why my brother didn't like being sung happy birthday at the restaurant along with other similar instances in the past. I'll also refer to/link a website that'll help me better explain his potential condition too

(https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24320-hyperacusis)

My therapist believes my brother has a condition called sound sensitivity autism (or hyperacusis) that makes everyday sounds feel uncomfortably loud (and sometimes painful). It can cause anxiety (from dreading/anticipating unpredictable loud sounds), sometimes depression, or social isolation. My therapist came to this conclusion after hearing some things I told her about my brother (some dating back many years). We once went to a football game, and he hid in the concessions area with his headphones blasting because the inside seats were too loud. He has also hid in the bathroom at church when certain services were too loud/raucous. He doesn't like concerts and visibly shakes whenever a crowd gets loud, and he'll often wear headphones at home because the TV (especially live audience events) often triggers/overloads his senses

There are many more examples. But my parents have trouble understanding him and have blamed him for not wanting to do family activities when he actually does (just not the ones that trigger him). Our family loves sports, and he does too. He watches them with headphones on that's playing music, but doesn't watch with friends due to fear of being perceived as weird. The worst times were when he was forced to do activities he didn't want to. He once had anxiety before a piano recital. Not because he was nervous about playing, but because of every time applause would ring out during the event (or any live event). That, in it of itself, caused anxiety (he enjoys playing piano, but not the performing part of it). He said it's like constantly living on edge because you never know when a loud sound will ring out. However, there was something my therapist told me on a subsequent visit that gave me hope, and it was an article she found from last year

There is an NBA player named Joe Ingles whose son had a similar condition, but he was younger (8, unlike my 11-year-old brother). Like my brother, he also didn't like loud environments and didn’t attend his father's games as a result. However, last year, he had a breakthrough thanks to the medical professionals he saw, and his mother made plans for him to attend his father's game for the first time. Joe was no longer a starter at this point in his career (he came off the bench), but the Timberwolves coach told the team that he was gonna put Joe in the starting lineup for the game his son was attending, and the story was covered by media outlets

(https://www.nytimes.com/athletic/6222598/2025/03/22/joe-ingles-son-autism-timberwolves/)

I brought that story (along with the web page I referenced/linked above) to my parents to try and explain my brother's condition we never understood. And while they were receptive to it, they didn't feel that it was necessary to bring him to a doctor/therapist because they believe they can give him exposure tests on their own that'll led to a similar breakthrough, but I disagree. Joe's son made a breakthrough thanks to guidance from medical professionals, not his parents trying to cure it on their own. But no matter how hard I pushed, they refused to take him to a professional and instead chose to reach out for support/prayer from church. I can't express how upset that made me, and I couldn't bring him myself because I'm not his parent. I hate how they think they can easily replicate the breakthrough Joe's son had without professional help. I told my therapist, and she agrees it's unfortunate because it's better to address it as young as you can

Regarding the incident at the restaurant, my brother had a sensory overload when the waiters sang and other tables were looking at ours. This is the second time our godparents have done this to him. He was 8 the first time they did, and he started crying when they sang. We didn't know what hyperacusis was at the time, but my parents told our godparents not to do it again when his birthday approached in subsequent years, and they listened until he turned 11 this year. My parents reminded them not to do it this year too, and they agreed before breaking their promise

I tried explaining the unofficial diagnosis from my therapist to my godparents to make them understand, but they were even worse than my parents and said he needs to "stop acting like a girl". Regarding their 'fake birthday' recurring prank that leaders come to expect every Sunday they go to a restaurant after church (like who's it's gonna be today lol), I told my parents it's wrong because it's stealing by taking advantage of the restaurant's free cake when it's not someone's birthday. But dad said it's justified when the total is often over $100 and that the cake can't be more than like $3. I called him out for how the Bible says that all sin is equal (regardless of big or small), and he didn't like when I did. But back to my brother, they aren't budging in their opinion of not seeking a medical professional, and I hate when people use religion and arrogance to think of themselves as above doctors and such

Second Update: (January 2nd, 2026)

A few people reached out to ask if I ever considered telling the head pastor about the leaders stealing at the restaurant. Unfortunately, the head pastor and his wife are complicit in the inside joke. I should also clarify that while there's one restaurant that we attend most often for the happy birthday prank, the group occasionally rotates to a Chinese buffet that doesn’t do happy birthday songs because it's a buffet. So when we go there, it's a break for that week. I've argued with my parents a lot since my previous post about many things. I've called out the group stealing many times, but dad said it's "justified" because the group is usually anywhere between 10-15 people (when others bring their kids straight from church). So while one person is getting "free cake" from the birthday prank, 14 other people are paying for their own dessert, and the bill is usually a few hundred dollars. And given how often we visit there each year, the restaurant likely makes a few thousand dollars from us each year. Dad literally admitted they were sinning because he admitted that the good ($200+ bill) outweighs the bad ($3 stolen cake); literally contradicting how the Bible says that all sin is equal (big or small). Furthermore, dad admitted that he thinks Jesus is stupid because he thinks he can pull that over him. And if God is stupid, then he can't be all-powerful. And if he isn't all-powerful, then why the hell are we going to church unless it's only for the social aspect and street credit of being a Christian when it's convenient

Regarding my brother's sensory challenges, I tried to convince them to seek medical assistance while he's still young, but they've grown tired of me bringing it up and told me not to anymore. They also said they don't want him to be diagnosed because they don't need someone telling him that there's something "officially wrong with you" when God says you're "fearfully and wonderfully made", but I disagree. According to my university therapist, a diagnosis can help him receive accommodations at future jobs if need be. Plus, the sooner he receives medical attention, the better chance he has of making progress. Continuing to ignore it will make the symptoms worse, but my parents have made their decision. My therapist said the next best thing would be trying to accommodate him by not forcing him to attend concerts/sporting events (since they won't let him see doctors that could provide healthy coping mechanisms). Another was simply dropping him off at home before my parents go to the restaurant (where church leaders are loud/obnoxious and often walking around to other people's seats). However, my parents refused because other leaders bring their kids directly from church, and they don't want to get there late. They also said that he'll improve with more exposure, and I couldn't disagree more (without medical attention)

As for where things stand now, I decided to make a report to CPS as a result of some things my brother told me. First, he said he wants to receive treatment, but our parents are obviously against it. He said he feels anxious 24/7 and wishes he wouldn't wake up on some days when a loud event draws closer (like a concert/sporting event he's forced to attend; church as well which is loud). During the drive to such events, he'll close his eyes and and hope they never arrive because time seems to go slowly with his eyes closed. He also hates when he gets overstimulated and our parents limit the amount of times they'll let him go to the bathroom. It's also affecting his friends who don’t understand why he doesn't want to do certain activities, and he doesn’t want to say why (while wishing he had treatment). There were other thoughts he didn't feel comfortable disclosing, but I made the report due to feeling worried he might have some dangerous thoughts. He literally said it's like living on edge 24/7 because a loud sound can happen at any moment, and his tolerance has worsened with time (to even quieter sounds overstimulating him). It's been over a month, and I haven't heard anything from CPS. And since there's no physical harm involved, I'm not sure anything will come from it

I've permanently lost all respect for my parents and their lack of care regarding this matter, and I've already decided that they'll never meet my kids (or even know they exist in a perfect world). Anyone I date in the future who disagrees won't be considered because I consider this a dealbreaker, and I'm not changing my stance. The only reason I haven't fully told them off is because I'll likely be cut off if I do, and then my brother would have no one in his corner

New Update: (April 30th, 2026)

So much has happened since my last post, but I received many insightful DMs that mentioned a product specifically designed to help those with sensory challenges, and that was Loop earplugs. They have different options for various activities and are easier to hide than noise-canceling headphones. I had no issue buying noise-canceling headphones as many people suggested them too, but my parents didn't want him wearing them in the past because they said it wouldn't help him grow out of it. They think exposure will help him achieve similar results to Joe Ingles's son without getting medical professionals involved, but they're only making it worse. I purchased my brother a pair of transparent Loop earplugs and planned to purchase more as they have different options for different environments based on loudness (one for concerts and less loud environments too). However, my parents somehow found out which resulted in me getting a lot of crap

I'm not exactly sure how they found out, and my brother said he did his best to hide them. But they have a habit of going through our rooms when we're not there for whatever reason, and they've done that since I was young. That's my best guess, but who knows. They confiscated them and got on me for purchasing them "behind their back". We got into a pretty heated argument about it, but they said I was "preventing him from growing" when, in actuality, the earplugs help with improving tolerance. The earplugs supposedly have different levels of decimals/sounds they allow in (more for concerts, less for a library). And, over time, you find yourself needing lesser decimal blocking earplugs as your body adapts to noise gradually. I read one testimony from parents of a young girl who said she struggled with piano recitals not because of stage fright, but because of anxiety due to the applause afterward. So, the earplugs allowed her to still hear the piano while blocking some of the decibels during applause, and she now has recitals where she no longer wears them because her body has gradually adapted. That could be my brother, but my parents disagree. I even tried the angle of how the earplugs could help him without going to a doctor, but that didn't work either

I was pretty pissed as a result of the argument. Granted, the earplugs were only around $50, but I brought them to help, and they just took them. So, I decided to send an email essay to a few relatives explaining everything similar to my post, and some of them had no idea about his condition and wouldn't because they live out of state. I even spoke to some over the phone, and some even called my parents about it too. I even went down to the restaurant our church leaders frequent and asked to speak to one of the managers too. I told him about the prank and my brother's condition which causes anxiety. The manager said he assumes some will lie about their birthdays to get free cake, but that the restaurant doesn't ask for ID. However, he said he'd talk to other managers to see if they can avoid singing to my brother if I call ahead on days they're attending. He also said he'd escalate how our table was lying to get free cake, but he wasn't sure if anything could be done when the restaurant didn't ask for IDs. However, he said he'd escalate it, and I gave my callback number

Unfortunately, the group has been back to the restaurant numerous times since, and they've gotten away with the prank. I called once I learned that they were going before they arrived, but it hasn't amounted to anything yet, and I'm still hoping to receive a callback from our conversation. The main issue isn't singing to him on his birthday week. It's how he feels anxious EVERY time they go there and tries to time a bathroom visit to when he sees waiters gathering to sing. He tries to slip out as soon as he notices, and he's always looking around while on edge. It ruins his mood when he's unable to slip out because he gets overloaded from how loud the waiters get even when they sing to OTHER tables. Our table is also loud in general with lots of standing up and walking behind other people's seats to talk which is inconsiderate to the person sitting behind them, and that's not considering the lack of etiquette to refrain from talking politics at a meal when discussing their orange diety. Our table is loud in general, and my parents won't let him stay home because they think the exposure will help him

My parents are also pissed that I vented to extended family about personal things that "should've stayed in the family", and they said this in another argument after they were called by numerous relatives regarding my email. I've since spoken to some of the relatives who called them, and the general consensus was that they were defensive. But with that on top of the earplugs I purchased, they told me that I was being "ungrateful" for being allowed to stay home rent-free while attending community college. They also said they weren't gonna have someone living with them just to spill personal business. So, they’re no longer gonna help me with tuition and want me to move out after the current semester ends. We have not paid for the fall semester yet, and they want me to be moved out by July. That was the purpose of the second conversation we had, and they told me to be grateful that they didn't kick me out mid-semester. I've had a few relatives offer to let me stay, and I'm likely going to take them up on it. It sucks I won't be able to be home to help my brother escape from certain environments, but some of my relatives also want to help my brother. We haven't figured everything out yet, and it doesn't seem likely that CPS will get involved when there's no visible physical abuse

My parents also booked numerous Christian concerts throughout the year, and they're forcing my brother to go. I'm worried about how my brother said he hopes he doesn't wake up on certain mornings while counting down the days until a loud event happens at the restaurant or especially concerts, and it's like he's always on edge. I'm scared about what he could do if the anxiety ever gets too bad when I'm not home to be there for him, and I've been able to help him take extra bathroom breaks when our parents try to limit him. It's also been hard to focus on studies. And if I'm being honest, I have no intention of going back for the fall semester. I want to work full-time to be able to help down the road, and a few members of our extended family want to help him too. Granted, it feels like there isn't much COS can do when there's no "visible" physical abuse that CPS will care about, and it's been almost six months with nothing from CPS. I've talked to relatives about making their own calls to CPS, and some have been open to doing so. I don't think anything will come from it because so many people seem to have never heard of sound sensitivity autism before, so I doubt that CPS even cares. My next move will be to go to my brother's school with the backing of a relative who suggested it in hopes of getting my brother some help, but I'm worried the school's help may be limited if my parents don't sign off on it. I hope that that's not the case, but I'm honestly not sure. The relative who suggested it will go to the school with me, and we've mentioned it to other relatives too who also think that that's a good idea. We're just trying to get our ducks in a row before doing that to make sure we're organized