u/Magkachu

TW: >!Suicidal Ideation, emotional abuse, body shaming, weight changes!<

I have never felt this deeply isolated or depressed in my life since I started collecting a bunch of chronic illnesses about 5 years ago (I'm now 26F). I pushed away friends from rl because when I tried opening up, they gave me such invalidating advice that made me feel worse. I became practically homebound from how debilitating the fatigue from my chronic illnesses, deconditioning from being mainly sedentary, and severe depression have been. I saw my rl friends move on with their lives normally, leading me to completely isolate more and remove all social media, and let connections fade.

My family throughout this whole ordeal, has been completely unsupportive, not understanding, and in fact emotionally abusive by >!wishing death upon me!<, body shaming and name calling while I was dealing with a body undergoing physical changes that I could not control due to having to change my eating habits in an attempt to cope with my illnesses (a lot of gastrointestinal issues). I have never had a good relationship with them to begin with, but I never imagined they would go to such extremes while going through the worst time in my life. I knew I could not rely on family and have since hid everything that goes on with my health as much as possible.

After this and having had my real life connections fall apart (they already weren't strong to begin with, I've never felt like I've ever had a solid support system or friendships) I tried, with not much luck, to build friendships online. I have tried to keep my health struggles hidden, tried to act normal but eventually I break because they treat me with the same level of carelessness that they would treat someone who is perfectly healthy and not severely depressed and these friendships don't ever really last. The few times when I've tried to open up in hopes of being treated with more care I have found that most of these people lack empathy, are not capable to provide support, or I receive unsolicited advice that ends up making me feel worse because the things they say are so invalidating. They make me feel like I'm apparently not trying hard enough and that it's fully in my control to cure myself because they simply do not understand chronic illness or what I'm going through. In the end, I am now left feeling lonelier and more misunderstood than ever.

The few things that had been helping me are being stolen from me by my conditions as well. One of the few things that had been helping me to cope was voice chatting online while gaming, calling with people, and now one of my conditions (LPR) is stealing my voice from me. I used to love to sing as well, it relieved stress, I can't even do that anymore. In fact, I was referred to talk therapy and I don't even know how I can do that anymore if talking for long periods of time is making my condition worse. The meds I take are not helping. This feels like hell.

I don't know how much longer I can stand this. I have already been dealing with so much health wise, with conditions that seem unmanageable or a mystery for years, and severe depression that has gotten in the way of me wanting to even continue to get help, and now it feels even worse seeing that when I finally gather the courage to try to seek support from others, it ends up being so invalidating. I have already tried therapy in the past when my voice wasn't this bad, it did not help. I think it gets to a point where therapy simply cannot replace the need for human connection and feeling loved. I don't think I have ever felt truly loved outside of romantic relationships. And now I don't even see how anyone could want me with this fragile body. I feel like a burden. I don't know who to turn to anymore.

I spend most of my days doing what I need to in bed, without wanting to get up,>!wishing I no longer existed and fantasizing about death!<if it means I will no longer have to deal with these conditions alone and not have to live in a world with people who don't have compassion or empathy. I just hope I'm not alone in feeling this way. I still hold on to a bit of hope that there are people out there who understand me, which is why I'm resorting to this community, I guess in hopes to find people to connect with because I am tired of feeling alone and misunderstood and I feel like I'm slowly losing this fight.