u/MaisyDae6624

I recently posted about having the courage to try again. We didn’t try particularly religiously or with too much tracking, as trying alone is a big step with our first pregnancy in January ending ectopic by February. I’m literally taking deep breaths as I write this. Last night, I made the decision not to take a pregnancy test until/if my period is actually late. As someone who is already hyper vigilant, anxious and body sensitive, this is very difficult even without the ectopic piece on top of it all.

Anyway… I wanted to share and let people know they’re not alone in case anyone is feeling the same with trying to manage the anxiety of jumping back on the wild TTC train. Thankful for this community of people who get it!

I finally was brave and feeling carefree enough one random day to try again nearly 7 month post last MTX. I got pregnant on the first attempt last time, and that first pregnancy was ectopic. People try to say stuff like “at least you know you can,” or “it’s really lucky you got pregnant so fast.” Ok… well, it ended up not being lucky at all, and very traumatic if anything.

Anyways… I’m currently trying to balance a load of blind hope that everything will be ok but also paranoid at every little sensation in my lower abdomen. I feel like I’m operating on a crazy level of delulu to get me through finding out if that test will be positive or not. At the same time, the potential for another ectopic or loss is dormant deep inside, and I’m scared for it to come out. Thank god for SSRIs and therapy and a great partner. But WOOF. I just needed to vent and knew you would all understand.

Me and my uni gals haven’t all been together in years. Now it’s finally happening this weekend! I was excited… and now… idk I am so anxious about it. Because I know it’ll be so much mom talk from at least 2/3 girls though they all have kids. I know they care and worry about me and noticed that I don’t really engage with our group messages anymore. I appreciate them acknowledging all the kid convos would maybe be difficult for me and I appreciate them not excluding me. It’s not like I want/expect the mom talk to stop, it’s a part of their lives in a huge way. And I support all them as much as I can! It would just be nice for it to not be constant or every time something unrelated to motherhood is discussed it always comes back to motherhood. I know this post might piss some people off, but feeling other is hard and sometimes that’s how the life cookie crumbles. I know I need to work on managing my own expectations and issues with being perceived, and I am, but it doesn’t mitigate what should be joyous stress free moments suddenly feeling hard. This club just sucks to be a part of is all. Especially when compounded with relationships and not being ready to even try again nearly 6 months later.

I have my first gyno well woman since my ectopic and am choosing to see the doctor that lead my case. She’s the only one near me that specializes in ectopics, and im hoping to be able to start a new rapport with her in a non life threatening situation. I am terrified thinking about being “back in the stirrups”and the idea of being poked and prodded gives me full body chills. additional context, I was told by primary care that I couldn’t receive a HSG “until I experienced subsequent losses” which really had put me deeper into a fear spiral. I kind of want to ask this provider about options but am afraid of being shot down again. I plan to bring my partner to the appointment for support but any advice for self advocacy or good vibes in general is greatly appreciated. 💞

Hi there— I am wondering if anyone here has had more intense PMDD like symptoms since pregnancy/ectopic specifically?

I have had at least mild PMDD type symptoms since getting off hormonal birth control, but it has doubled down harder since my first pregnancy, which was ectopic. I’m talking all the classic emotional symptoms per Google below:

- Severe irritability, anger, or increased interpersonal conflicts

- Feelings of hopelessness, marked depression, or self-deprecating thoughts

- Intense anxiety, tension, or feeling on edge

- Extreme mood swings, crying spells, or sensitivity to rejection

- Difficulty concentrating or lack of interest in usual activities

- Overwhelming sense of being out of control

I am currently on my 3rd period since my ectopic. I think the first one I was just so relieved that it even came back. Then, last month was rough but only lasted about a week of the month. This month, I’ve had at least 2 weeks of extremely difficult mental/emotional symptoms. It is likely “doubled down/compounded” by the grief and general stress/anxiety of TRYING to rebuild life since ~all of this~. I am actively working with my therapist and trying to take a step back and be more observant of what’s happening in my mind. But this is so tiring 😩 living with ~2 weeks of the month in absolute turmoil feels unsustainable. Has anyone else experienced this? Have you noticed stronger fluctuations in mood around your cycle post-pregnancy? I just want to know that I’m not alone in this. 🥺

Does anyone else get seemingly random pain/sensitivities in their abdomen post ectopic? Specifically one that didn’t rupture? It tends to happen more during ovulation/period time frame, but it’s so odd to me that it feels more specific to the tube area despite never rupturing. I’ve had ovulation pains on both sides before but it feels more dull and achey, then randomly a bit sharp at times. It’s been nearly 4 months since my ectopic so maybe it’s too soon to dissipate, though I thankfully no/mild pain during my experience? It really freaks me out and puts me in my head and makes me wonder if I have abnormalities in my tubes. 😵‍💫

… is seeing photos of people that have a due date right around where yours would be. I am happy for all the pregnant people in my life, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt my heart to see someone with a belly representing what mine would look like. Except mine is empty. I get no baby this fall. Anyway… maybe this is a reminder to get back off social media.

Dealing with a lot of fear recently. Like, terrified for the future, afraid to try again, wondering when this pain will end… that said, I am sure a lot of people feel the same.

What’s one thing good that happened in the last week? What is one tangible thing you’re looking forward to in the near future?

I’ll go first! I got to spend some time outside reading a great book & my husband amazes me every day with his support. I have a few concerts coming up with friends/my husband. I’ll be reunited with my long distance bestie soon too.

Sending love to you all even though I’m struggling mentally, I know the end of this painful journey will be in sight for all of us. Patience and hope are hard, but we got this. 💓

Diagnosed w ectopic after spotting and testing HCG for weeks at 7w5d. I hit my 3 month post last dose of MTX on 5/23. I am not ready to try again yet but I asked my PCP about possibly getting a HSG to see if I have blockages for peace of mind and understanding. Despite having a ruptured ectopic and 2 miscarriages herself, she told me I wouldn’t be a candidate until I had subsequent losses.

The thing is, I can’t imagine having subsequent losses right now. To all the people in here who have, you are gods strongest soldiers. I’m so paralyzed with fear to try again and wish I could understand why this happened to me or have a little peace of mind before trying again. And now I’m just scared and truthfully not hopeful or optimistic. I am trying to be brave again and it’s really hard.

I just feel so angry. I’ve recently passed the 2 month post MTX mark after finding out I was ectopic at 7w5d, though I was bleeding since about 4w5d. We had to collect evidence, I needed 3 doses of MTX including a high dose. It took 6 weeks for my levels to go down. I bled for about 70 days.

I feel so much anger recently. Resentful of my sister in laws who’ve had healthy first pregnancies. Distant from friends who only talk about motherhood qualms in our group message as I remain silent and turn off notifications. Intense grief as another friend told me they were pregnant and our babies would be a month apart. Our families seem to have forgotten and just assume we’re “hanging in there.” I don’t want to go to the first birthday parties of the 6 babies born in my friend group last year. I don’t want to go to the hospital to meet my in laws baby.

No one really understands the disenfranchised grief of “I would’ve been there.” No one understands the anxiety I already have about not being able to enjoy the next pregnancy. All that innocence was stolen from me. It’s so painful. People expect you to move on and get over it. My husband doesn’t even quite understand either, nor the same way as a mother.

I have one friend who gets it from her own loss but even she tells me this sees worse than a straight MC. I hope to never find out.

Anyways… love to all you survivors out there or those navigating in any way.