It’s over
40M and not great at writing so here goes…
About a year ago we met in a remote sex toy app for a toy whole heartedly intended for me and my wife to spice things up. AP and I clicked immediately and have been in constant contact since. Waking up to daily sexy messages, remote sex at least once a week, speaking frequently and talking about everything from our families to our careers on a daily routine basis. I don’t think either of us intended for it progress past the purely sexual. It just sort of happened… for me at least. Almost in a visceral way. I know I’m starved for the attention and validation in my marriage, I wasn’t seeking an affair. Thats just how it came packaged. It was nice being desired in such a white hot kind of way. It was just simple, hot, and exciting. And I genuinely liked her. But these things seem to have a way of fizzling out.
Last night I open my phone to a message that her marriage needs attention and she was going to be removing distractions, meaning me, and honestly, I feel crushed. I didn’t think I would, but it hurt. We always agreed our spouses come first. I just never expected it to happen so abruptly. I don’t know what happened on her end. She left it open ended and suggested she would be back if she could, but that leaves me feeling like a worm on a hook.
Now, I’m opening my phone hoping for a message I know isn’t coming. Stuck mourning a relationship with a person who I hadn’t intended to have a relationship with. At home, at work, I have no one to talk to. I feel discarded. Was she bored? Is she being honest? I will never know. She isn’t obligated to explain any further and I said as much. I genuinely hope everything is ok with her.
I know I will go from checking my phone obsessively, to hourly, to daily to eventually moving on. I know it wasn’t as involved as some affairs are, but I miss the connection. It was so difficult for me to not develop feelings after being so intimate so often. Maybe I’m just not cut out for this.