Grieving while pregnant
I lost my little girl at 21 weeks in March, I am now 22 weeks pregnant in my sub pregnancy and very grateful for what seems to be a healthy pregnancy, even getting to this point seemed impossible.
I’m having a particularly bad week, no reason, just because. I think about her every day and sometimes it’s just too overwhelming. It’s not fair, she should be here. I unpack things I bought for her and even though I will have a baby (hopefully) very soon, the sense of guilt that she was supposed to have those things is immense.
I see people looking at me thinking I’m having my second baby, but I’m not, this is my third. I see little girls and think what would my little girl have looked like. I can’t help but peek at the girls clothes as I walk by in shops knowing I may never get to buy them. My little boy talks about his new brother or sister but doesn’t know he already has a sister who he’d of loved.
I don’t know if I’m having a girl or boy, nub theory says boy, but who knows and I’m just terrified of knowing either way for different reasons which is a minefield of emotions in itself along with everything else.
Grieving your baby while carrying your next bundle of joy, is like a wound being healed then ripped open over and over again. It just sucks.