So close and feels unreal. Today is my due date after 3.5 y of IVF
As the title says - I’m exactly 40w today with my miracle IVF boy, which took me 4 ERs, 7 ETs, and 3 losses consulting across three clinics in two countries before I got to this moment. I had just turned 36 when I started IVF; husband and I are now 39.
When I graduated the clinic, my fertility doctor - who I’d been with for over 3y, supported my choice to get second opinions and overseas ERs - cried with me. She’s the same age as me and was pregnant with her second child. For this 7th transfer, she personally did all of my follow ups and ultrasounds bc she felt personally invested and really wanted to see me successfully graduate before she went out on mat leave.
It still feels a bit unreal and too good to be true that I can say “I’m due today”. Last year, my husband and I decided that we will stop trying to create more embryos in 2025, and whatever embryos we stock in 2025 would be the limit of our TTC journey - and if that meant no kids at the end, we would move on with our lives. I’ve been in therapy, and also worked extensively with a career coach that specializes in IVF and infertility. I’ve always been a high achiever, but suffered massive blows to my self confidence that made my feel really lost in the last 1-2y of my IVF journey. I highly recommend seeing an IVF specialized career coach; it made a huge difference for me.
Anxiety followed me throughout the pregnancy from all the losses I had, and I’m still worried about losing my baby for something that could have been prevented if I’d advocated for myself. I went in to emergency maternity to get checked for high fever, reduced movement etc several times during this entire pregnancy. Each time, the doctor on call and all the midwives who examined me have been so patient and understanding and explained everything super well - they’re truly angels.
I discussed the anxiety of late term baby loss during a few of my third trimester checkups with my amazing OB, who’s very empathic and a great listener. After discussing extensively with him, we’ve scheduled in an induction at 40w2d; I’m going to the hospital to start softening the cervix tomorrow (Sunday) late evening, and hopefully have a baby on Monday. Writing these words still feels unreal. I’m a bit scared about an induction delivery, but I’ve decided I just need to go with the flow and have trust in my doctor and the midwives. From everything I’ve seen and experienced during my pregnancy, I have no reason not to have confidence in them.
Husband and I are feeling all the feels today. It’s been hard to do much today despite the fact that it’s the weekend and our last full day as a family of three - we have the sweetest dog, who we got after my third IVF loss. I fell asleep on the couch this afternoon watching a mindless series on Netflix, and the two have gone out for a walk while I was asleep. I think I’ll suggest we go out for dinner at a casual local neighborhood spot tonight.
I don’t exactly know why I’m posting this. Part of it is for myself, as an outlet for reflection and all the feelings the day before I go have my miracle baby. Part of this is for all you women out there who are still in the thick of IVF - I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. It’s so hard. It just sucks. I see you. Most women will probably have their eventual miracle baby, but some won’t. But whatever the future holds for you, I truly hope everyone will find their peace and happiness in life.