I swear he knows. He started making jokes abt domestic violence and our relationship falling apart and seems acutely aware that I know. Did your abuser also know when they'd been...caught, found out, in a sense? What did you do?
I think i have really realized down to my core what this relationship has been in the past month. 8 years, and this whole relationship started with a rejection that became a confession when I stopped giving him attention for a month afterwards to take some space 😭 he missed the attention I gave him, not me. He likes my attention and affection, not me. In the first couple weeks of the relationship he was already hugging and kissing without asking despite me telling him my csa trauma + boundaries, he told me "if anyone would leave it would be me," and I had no idea what he was talking about, I felt like a monster and he kept implying he was the caring person in the relationship even though he never asked me questions, learned from me, or got me flowers even when I asked (I did all this with him!!) Instead he would engage in all my interests until they also became his own so I felt like I had nothing special to offer, every single conversation felt like it would tip into an argument, he made me feel SO uninteresting, if I brought up an issue it would instead be shared discussion time for his issues as well, he got annoyed at my extroversion and made it out like I was making him uncomfortable on purpose, he would explain teaching to me bc he was enrolled in a bachelors for it (I WAS A ASSISTANT TEACHER??) And not ask or hear anything I had to say about it or like it wouldn't even occur to him, and this was all just early on.
Now, I have become very sick. I'm bedbound with a disease and it had gotten to a very severe point under his care. It had worsened during a time when I had moved in with him to get away from abusive family -- once I had settled in already, it was at that time he told me he now "wasn't sure about the relationship." Although he explained he would still care for me regardless. He then got really upset that I wasn't having sex with him (I was shell shocked from moving away from abusive family and scared of the sudden life change) and being upset is fine, but he then kept asking again and again why I couldn't have sex. I explained it was my ptsd and I just felt really overwhelmed moving in with him and he kept saying "I just dont know why youre not telling me fully/being vulnerable with me." I kept trying to think of a better way to explain it and I just couldn't. It ended up in me yelling, saying he was crazy (which i know makes me seem like the abuser but I didn't understand WHY he couldn't get it through his head that I had ptsd from just leaving my abusers to come live alone with him like I was scared and id explained it!) And during yelling I suddenly collapsed (heartbeat thing) I called for help and my scariest memory is looking at him just standing there, hesitating before coming to help me.
Then after that I got even more sick to the point i couldn't talk or chew (its just a crazy severe type of disease) and at that time there was a moment I was self harming by scratching my skin bc I was so stressed and frustrated, at this time to stop me from self harming he grabbed my arms and slammed me into the bed. This worsened my condition (I already struggled to talk but now couldn't catch my breath either) for about two weeks (ok this sounds crazy but the disease is just like that he didn't slam that hard) later he apologized for taking his anger out on me, but idk i couldn't really talk (due to aforementioned disease) so I didn't really say anything. And then later I brought it up and he said he didn't really remember it but he was sorry.
Beyond this its things like one time I broke down from frustration and I ended up self harming and he said something like "maybe I wanted you to break down" in a guilty tone, and starting arguments during my favorite movies (he'd also often go beyond his limits to support me and then throw it in my face afterwards) And none of his friends being my friends while all of mine are his, and all his friends now are the ones I made. I think overall maybe I was also incompatible in a lot of ways to him, but I was like extremely up front at all times that yes I would be traumatized, I'm autistic, im polyamarous (we compromised and are in an open relationship but neither of us have slept with anyone else help) it would take me a while to warm up and trust, it just seemed like he wanted me locked in till marriage from basically the get go but without saying it, so i kept saying I was "unsure" and "needed space" i dont know what this was, maybe a miscommunication.
Anyway, there was a point after the slamming me on the bed where I thought: "this relationship is over." The second I thought that, I swear, the relationship got better. He stopped arguing over small things. He didn't really start listening to me or asking me questions more, but now he sometimes gathers flowers, I'm frustrated a lot less, he's a lot calmer, there are no fights and I actually just don't have any issues other than the fact im lonely and we don't really talk. He does playfully slap me sometimes (only when I'm being self depracatory), and i dont like that and think its weird he does it when I have such clear open ptsd around being slapped and i never do it to him?? I'm pretty sure ive told him not to but maybe I never did, im too tired now to say no.
But the thing is, and this might be evil so let me know...i personally almost feel like the reason hes so nice to me now is hes kind of gotten exactly what he wanted? I'm trapped, basically locked in with him. I give him affection. I'm basically a nobody compared to him, I'm bedbound with absolutely zero life. Flat and empty. I'm totally dependent on him so now hes seen as the good sweet poor boyfriend who has to take care of his disabled girl, and nobody will believe anything bad I have to say about him now, it'll just make me look bad. I know im lucky compsred to others to have a bf who cares for me in illness, though. It is true. But what's the craziest of all, is the first flare up I had that kicked this disease off was because of him.
Basically, it was very early in on us dating, and I had fallen asleep by accident bc of some overwhelming depressive episode (really accidental coyld not control it) as a result, he was left at the door waiting fifteen minutes outside. When I went to get him he was really upset with me, like ... pretty mad, from what I recall I'm almost certain I felt very stressed and bad and apologized immediately but maybe I didn't? Either way I felt so bad and suddenly remember getting so scared (he hadn't yelled or anything, he was just very upset but quietly) and something flared up in me and I got terrified he was going to hit me. I dont know where it came from. It was like something screamed deep in my body and I hunched over and was sobbing and I begged him to get out of the room but apparently there was a misunderstanding and he didn't hear me and just stayed.The next day, I couldn't stand properly. I couldn't stand properly ever again.
I dont blame him for the disease entirely in any regard, honestly I was gonna get this disease somehow and I blame my father way more than him lmao. But its just really ironic. In the end, my partner has marks to show, if that makes sense. He's insidious and quiet and has the guilt trippy "but I'm so caring/I just care so much and I'm being so hurt" type of abuse, whereas I'm definitely toxic too, but mine is anger issues and full on meltdowns as a reaction to things he's done. So people have heard me scream, ppl have seen nail marks in his skin, which he always like, pointedly gets band aids for I honestly feel a little like this is to guilt me bc he never puts band aids on me when I scratch myself and actually bleed?? Bc we both get scratched its a meltdown... although i havent had one in a while luckily! I admit its awful that I scratched him too during those, that im sorry for and idk what to do...Anyway, people have seen that, people have seen him care for me and worry for me and all that. There are no marks when it comes to an invisible disease, and no one is going to believe where it started.
I already tried floating that something was wrong on a private Twitter I made. After 8 YEARS of not saying a single bad word about him to a single friend, I finally tried cracking open a little, and I thought maybe someone would be concerned and surprised id finally said something, but not only was no one concerned, someone who's known me for only a couple months really responded with "i relate to your partner bc im a caretaker too, its hard but I bet you can work it out!" With a tone that seemed very clearly on his side, which would be fine if they were at least also on my side or worried about me in the literal least. They basically pushed me to shut up. It just shows how clearly no one is going to listen to me!! The only current friend I have who i really trust is wayyyy too young to explain this to they're only 21 like 😭😭 and im 27 I can't put it on them morally. And I want them to focus on their life and passions. There are some other friends I could maybe tell, but idk if they'll get it. Its such a long, layered story.
And I realized all this JUST this month. Like it all hit me. And now I'm afraid, yeah, but its also like...I feel like he can tell I know? And I'm scared of that too. It seems he can tell all my precise moods and thoughts. He can tell when I'm distanced, when I'm angry. However, I'm not sure if he can tell when I'm uncomfortable or scared, but I swear hes acting different and maybe on edge rn. He made a joke about domestic abuse the other day and our relationship falling apart. Like he said this jokingly but im worried maybe he somehow knows im feeling like this or saw my reddit? I'm using a burner to be safe, I know he won't be angry even if he sees, but he might think im being abusive by painting this picture of him as an abuser, which, like!! I'm not, I just need to get it all off my chest and see what others say. Anyway thank you guys for any help or reflection you can give and please point out my own toxic tendencies as well where you see them bc I AM always trying to improve...
And also who on earth do I tell...how did you figure out who to tell, and how? Do you guys think anyone will believe me? I just feel so upset and betrayed rn, I just want justice through one person hearing me. But idk if anyone really will.