u/MangoSalsa89

There is a lot of talk about how profound the 4b movement and how it can be a big adjustment to our lives. Decentering men is a complex and life altering decision that can change how you see and interact with the world. To me, change is also measured in small moments. We make hundreds of decisions a day, and each of those is a chance to choose and respect ourselves. I'll share one, feel free to share yours as well!

I recently blocked an acquaintance on social media just because he wanted to chat. This is a male acquaintance that I run into occasionally in the world because we both volunteer for local non-profits and often are at the same public events. He is a married father of two, so it is strange that he would just randomly want to chat with me now and then, since I'm half his age and we have nothing in common. There is an undertone of creepiness even though he's never made any sort of romantic or sexual pass at me. It's mostly just small talk. It has gotten progressively more annoying though, because I'm just not interested in getting to know him. Blocking him took like five seconds, but it gave me such tremendous relief.

Before 4B, I was a people pleaser and would entertain people I didn't even like for no reason. I would wonder if I was being polite enough or if I ran into him in public I would be afraid it would be awkward if I was rude. I would be afraid it would hurt my reputation in the non-profit circles if I was dismissive to fellow volunteers. Now I just don't give a shit. I don't have to entertain every man whenever he wants my attention. Even if they are not an outright predator, they are goddamn energy vampires who just want to take up my valuable time I could spend doing something productive or that I enjoy. I know this seems like a small thing, but the old me would never have chosen my peace over people-pleasing. I'll take that as a sign of progress. 🙂

I'm at the point where I purposely avoid checkout lines with a lot of boomers in them, because guaranteed every single one of them is going to have a problem or a question that's going to hold up the line. Even if there is a line with 10 younger people in it, I'll still pick that one. One boomer is equivalent to the same amount of time as 10 non-Boomers.

Of course, there are places like pharmacies who don't have a ton of lines open, or a ton of cashiers working there. I was at my CVS the other day, and boomer lady was holding up the line for like 15 minutes. She had a problem with getting into her account, a problem with a printed coupon that probably expired a month ago, and a problem with her card. There is one self-checkout line and of course people are having issues with that because they suck and the sole cashier keeps having to run over and unlock it.

At this point, we're 7 people deep in line and boomer lady finally has managed to complete her purchase, and now she starts a full conversation with the cashier, asking her what brands of dry shampoo they carry. There is a big sign over an aisle that says shampoo on it. Use your eyes and brain to figure it out. The 16 year old cashier does not have the entire inventory of the store memorized, and she doesn't know which dry shampoo works best on your hair. She's stressed because everyone else in the line is starting to get irritated, and she's going to have to be on the receiving end of all of that frustration. I swear cashiers deserve hazard pay. I used to work a register, and it can be hell.

I'm part of a growing demographic of solo women who are homeowners and who have done it on their own without ever being married. It's probably the achievement of my life, because I grew up struggling and never thought this would happen. So I take a lot of pride in my modest home. I'm always outside doing some sort of home improvement project or landscaping, and I've gotten used to expecting stupid comments from neighbors or guests talking about how it would be easier for me if I "had a man" to do stuff. It's mostly from older neighbors who are stuck in gender roles from generations past.

I don't get how they could say I needed a man to do things that I am literally doing perfectly well in front of them. Like landscaping. I actually used to work at a commercial greenhouse, so I really know what I'm doing. I spent Memorial Day tearing out old dying bushes and replacing them with lovely evergreen shrubs. I sweated my ass off and got dirty and loved doing it. I got good exercise out in the fresh air. But for some reason my neighbors see me and think I'm suffering and desperate for a man to come and do this stuff for me.

And don't get me started on mowing grass. Men like to point this out as something they do to prove that they are "contributing" to the household, as if it's at all comparable. The lawnmower is powered. It literally pushes itself. You don't have to be a super strong macho man to walk behind a machine at 3 miles an hour.

At this point I just respond rudely to my neighbors because I'm sick of it. People don't want to talk to me anymore so I guess this is just how it's gonna be. I wish I had more women around me who had similar interests or situations so that we could build a badass garden together or something. But I'm stuck living around people who are mentally in the 1960's.