u/Many-Imagination1251

I've been searching up how to love myself, since I've been bullied for almost a decade I've lost all love and compassion for myself, don't even remember a time I had it. And I want to try but I just cant, I'll try to tell myself "you aren't ugly, you are perfect as you are" but then I end up feeling stupid and crying because it just doesn't work. The pain from bullying just feels irreversible to me and I don't know what to do. I really do think some day these thoughts could take my life whether it's tomorrow or years from now. I did recently almost attempt . For some reason I've started to have physical heart aches every time I'm sad and I'll shake slightly because of how upset I am. I don't know what to do, nothing's working. It makes me so depressed and it's all I think about when I look in a mirror. Please help, I don't wanna live my whole life hating myself and feeling absolutely worthless.

I genuinely think I'm the most hideous girl ever. And I'm so jealous of all my friends because they're so pretty, it's also because they are white, being a black girl makes me 10x uglier than I am because for some reason the beauty standard in society is a blonde blue eyed white girl(I don't say this in any wrong way). I remember me and my friend would go on Omegle(video call) and some guy said "why is it always the ugly ones in front of the pretty ones?". I was the one sitting in front, I genuinely felt my heart physically ache because I've been bullied from 3rd grade up to highschool, still being bullied at school and it hurts so much that no one finds me pretty, my mom will say girls are jealous and boys have crushes on me, but I vividly remember wearing a croptop to school and a boy said I looked like a "pregnant hoochie mama" I was in 8th grade at the time, I can't get a break at all from the name calling and the giggling when I walk past, I'm on the verge of ending my life because I don't deserve to be here, it hurts to accept but it's true, anyone who says I'm not ugly is only saying it out of pity, and I get it. I cry so hard sometimes because I feel so bad for myself.

Sorry for the rant .