I whored myself out to steal a snake when I was in college.
I (31F) run a small reptile rescue out of my house. I've been a reptile owner since I was 10 and have been rescuing since I was 16. I made it my official career as of three years ago, when I got married to my husband and we had some extra income. I love reptiles so much, especially snakes. I own a hoggie, a fatass retic, a beardie, one black and white tegu, a corn snake, and an absolutely beautiful MBK. I also have social media where I post all my reptiles, except one.
Back in college I was trying to make friends and my then-friend now-husband introduced me to this guy we'll call "Richard." My future husband said Richard liked snakes, so he thought we'd get along.
I meet Richard for lunch and he's fine, if a little boring. He barely seemed engaged when I brought up reptiles to him. But he does invite me back to his house to see his snake. So I go. And it's a fucking sty, trash everywhere and yellow tar on the walls from cigarettes and joints. The whole place smells like an ashtray and it's unbearable. And the second i step in there, I realize oh, fuck, this snake is gonna be at death's door. Lo and behold, we go up to his room, and it's even worse.
The room is one disgusting thing, but the enclosure made my guts twist. In there was a yearling MBK (Mexican black kingsnake). Barely an inch of substrate that looked unchanged for maybe months. A tiny overturned hide, no sun lamp, the enclosure was half the size it should be. A long-broken humidity control. It was like a prison cell for a trash monster. The poor MBK was stunted and malnourished, pyramid shaped instead of tube shaped, with an eye infection. It was also covered in stuck shed, which is a very unpleasant death if not fixed. He was curled up motionless in the corner. The second I saw it I knew I couldn't leave it there. As I turned around, Richard revealed he was much more of a dick than I thought, and he wanted to show me another kind of snake. I turned him down and got out of there as fast as I could.
I stayed up all night neglecting my schoolwork planning how to rescue this snake. And the only thing I could think of was the only thing Richard had indicated he cared about at all. I am not a flirtatious or very sensual person, but I locked in to save the snake. The next day I texted him and said I had reconsidered, and that I'd like to come over. Predictably, he said yes.
I went over and slept with him. It was not good and I'll leave it at that. Afterwards I got dressed as he began to light a joint and while he was distracted I got up and made a big deal out of opening the window, commenting on how hot it was. I asked if I could pick up his snake (named viper btw. He was named Viper. Fucking idiot) and I took it out and surreptitiously placed it in a crisco container I had made short term transport friendly. Then I left his cage open and flipped over his hide and purposefully left the top of the cage open. I then left as fast and as nonchalantly as I could as mr doofus faded into unconsciousness. I don't think he even realized I left.
The next day when I was at the vet getting the snake checked out (no microchip, of course. I said someone dropped it off outside my house in the night lol) when Richard called me to berate me for leaving the window and cage open. I offered to come help him search, but he said to forget it and hung up. That was the last time I ever heard from him.
Today, Francrisco (or just Crisco) is doing great. He only had to lose an eye and recovered from everything else. And don't tell the other's but he's my favorite. He's so sweet and a big silly chonk. He's still a little stunted, but healthy. Only my husband knows I stole him, and I don't really want him to find out how. Frankly I'm disturbed by what I had to do and have been going to therapy about it for a long time. But I'd do it again in a heartbeat to save Crisco. And if youre reading this and you think snakes are cool and you want one? DO YOUR GODDAMN RESEARCH. Thank you and goodnight.