Self Control
I started leaving notes because the mornings were getting too clean.
The first time it happened I woke in a bed that wasn’t mine. White curtains moved a little in the draft from the window. A plant on the sill had one yellow leaf that hadn’t fallen yet. The sheets smelled of a detergent I don’t buy. A man was already in the kitchen. When the mattress shifted under me he looked over and said, “You were right about the pancakes,” the way people speak when the conversation happened hours ago and neither of them has really left it. I don’t hate pancakes. He brought a cup of coffee and sat on the edge of the mattress, close enough that the mattress dipped toward him. He used my first name without any question in it and asked if I still wanted to tell my sister about the thing with the car. That detail is one I only give people after I’ve decided they can have it. When I asked how long we had been talking he said, “Since the bar closed. You don’t remember?” I said I did. He watched me for a moment longer than a one-night arrangement usually allows, then stood and said he had to get to work. I left while the coffee was still hot.
His name was Daniel.
That morning I wrote the first note and taped it to the bathroom mirror.
Where did I go last night?
Underneath, in smaller handwriting that leaned slightly to the right, the answer was already waiting.
you had fun
I locked my phone in a drawer for three nights. On the fourth morning I woke in a different apartment, this one with a view of a fire escape and a half-finished crossword on the table. A restaurant receipt for two was folded in my wallet. A phone number was written in ballpoint on the inside of my wrist. The number belonged to Daniel. He texted that afternoon.
last night was wonderful. call me when you’re free?
I didn’t answer.
I left another note.
Who was I with?
someone who wanted you back
I began testing it the way you test a loose tooth. I asked the name of the street I grew up on. The exact color of the car I totaled at nineteen. The last thing I said to my father that I still regret. It answered correctly every time. I put my keys inside the freezer under a bag of frozen peas and found them the next morning on the counter beside my wallet, lined up with the edge of the laminate.
The flour experiment was different. I bolted the apartment door from the inside and poured a clean line of flour across the threshold. I went to bed with the lights on. In the morning I woke in Brooklyn, no flour on my shoes, the smell of someone else’s laundry detergent still on my skin. Getting back into my own apartment became the problem. The bolt was still thrown. I stood in the hallway for a long time before I called the super. He came with the master key, looked at the untouched flour line on the floor, and asked if I was having some kind of episode. I said I must have sleepwalked. He didn’t believe me, but he opened the door and left. The bolt had been engaged the entire time I was gone.
That night I set up the camera on the bookshelf facing the bed. The red light stayed on while I tried to sleep. The next morning I watched the footage. For a long stretch nothing happened. I fast-forwarded through hours of myself lying still, began to feel ridiculous, then stopped at 1:12. The version of me that sat up did not need the usual seconds to locate himself in the room. He checked the time on the phone, smoothed the sheet with one hand, opened the top drawer and took out the moisturizer I bought months ago and never remember to use. He put some on his face and the backs of his hands. Only then did he notice the camera. He stopped. Looked into the lens for three full seconds. His face was calm, almost fond. He reached up and turned it off.
I left a different note that afternoon.
I know you’re reading this.
took you long enough
I started writing to it directly.
What are you?
the one who remembers
I spent the rest of that day walking without destination. In the evening I wrote again.
Do I ever say no?
you never have
The next morning I asked the harder question.
Have you ever done anything I didn’t want?
The pen had been pressed hard enough to leave ridges on the next page.
I have never done anything without permission.
I stopped going out. I ordered groceries. I kept the lights on. I slept in my clothes with the bedroom door open. On the third day of the barricade a reservation confirmation appeared in my email for a place in Fort Greene I had never heard of, dated that evening. On the fourth day Daniel called.
“Are we still on for tonight?”
I said I thought he had the wrong number. There was a pause long enough that I thought the call had dropped. Then he said my name quietly and hung up.
I waited two more days, then texted him from my own number and asked if he would meet me for coffee. He suggested a place near the park. I got there early and watched him arrive. He looked the same as the first morning, only more careful. When he sat down he said, “You’re different in daylight.” I asked him what he meant. He said the man he had been seeing talked more, asked questions, remembered things Daniel had told him the week before. That man had said he was thinking about changing jobs. He had talked about his sister like someone who still hoped the relationship could be repaired. He had ordered the same ridiculous sweet coffee every time and pretended to hate it. Daniel said, “You told me you cried the first night we spent together. Not because of me. Because you said you hadn’t felt that kind of easy in a long time.” He watched my face while he said it. I didn’t know what to do with my hands. Daniel waited, then asked the question I had been hoping he wouldn’t. “Why are you talking about yourself like he’s someone else?”
I told him I had been having blackouts. He nodded the way people do when they decide not to push. Before he left he said the bar on Franklin was quieter on weeknights if I ever wanted to talk again. He had mentioned it before, he said. I had always known where it was.
I found the loyalty card in my wallet that evening. Eight stamps. The next afternoon I went to the bar during daylight and asked for water. The bartender looked up, surprised, and said, “Early for you.” He started to reach for a bottle, then stopped when I didn’t confirm the order. Another regular at the end of the bar lifted his chin in greeting like he had seen me a dozen times. I paid for the water and left.
Then I lost seven minutes at noon. I was making coffee. The kettle had just clicked off. Then I was standing on the sidewalk outside my building with the key still in my hand. My phone showed a message sent during those seven minutes, from me to Daniel:
tonight. earlier this time.
He had already seen it.
I wrote across a full page in capital letters:
THIS IS MY BODY.
In the morning the page was still there. Underneath, smaller:
then why am i the one who remembers living in it
I asked the only question left.
Who gives you permission?
I do
Later I wrote one more line.
Who are you when I’m awake?
the one who keeps letting you back in
The phone buzzed while I was still looking at the notebook. Daniel’s name was on the screen.
are you coming?
I sat with the message open and the notebook beside it. The apartment was quiet. The sheets were clean. My mouth tasted like someone had been kissing me for a long time and then left before sunrise. I looked at the two open things on the table and did not answer either of them.