It still hurts
TW: Threats of suicide, Implied incest
I haven’t spoken to my mother for close to 4 years now. During all this time I have somehow gotten through college, gotten my driver’s license, made many new friends, gone though relationships, gotten my master’s, and even started working as a teacher. In other words, I have gone from a scared teenager who was horribly depressed, to a thriving young adult with a promising future. I have grown so much and slowly crawled out of the hole I was in, in no small part thanks to her, to the point that I can finally say, after all this time, that I am happy once again.
And yet to this day, whenever I think about her, I can’t help but feel a pit in my stomach. I randomly remember how she would isolate me from my dad’s side of the family, emotionally manipulating me to make me hate them (and him). How she would do inappropriate things such as showing me the Flowers in the Attic movie when I was barely 14 (claiming she “forgot” about the incest part) and asking to share a bed with me in a weird tone after divorcing my father. How she threatened to commit suicide after the eventual death of her mother since I didn’t love her enough, and then calling me cruel for setting boundaries.
I could go on and on, but you get the gist of it. I can be having a perfectly fine day, and then have my afternoon ruined because one of these memories randomly pops into my mind. It’s like even after all these years and all the growth I have experienced I can’t fully escape her influence.
It still hurts.
And I hate it.
The black kitty sleeps
Softness in its’ paws and tail
I wish to pet it