When do I just buy bigger jeans? How many times should I buy bigger jeans before I start to worry?
Giving all of the context here, because why not?
I (30F) have always been very small without thinking much about it. I always loved savory food and disliked sweets; truly lucky, I know! But also, I ate! I had dinner leftovers for breakfast and lunch, and then usually two servings of dinner with snacks in between all of it. I was a size 2 and 110 lbs before I had my first son at 25.
Postpartum the first time around was WILD and ROUGH. I herniated a disc in my neck IN LABOR, due to poor positioning. I couldn't get a doctor to look at me for a year because I, of course, am a woman and do not know the definition of real pain. I spiraled deep into postpartum depression and anxiety that I didn't recognize for months. My son was also allergic to dairy, and although I couldn't nurse him due to the debilitating pain in my neck and back, I insisted on pumping because I am an utter failure of a mom if I can't even FEED MY CHILD WITH MY OWN BODY! (Please note my heavy, heavy sarcasm here! I do not want to reinforce this belief in some new and impressionable mother.)
So I quickly shrank back down to my pre-pregnancy size -- like in 3 months. Whether it's because I'm just fabulous or the lack of food due to the no-dairy thing or simply being in my mid-twenties, we'll never know! I had an MRI done 10 months after giving birth (but only when I broke down in tears and explained my suicidal thoughts due to the pain). I had surgery almost exactly 1 year postpartum, and the pain went away almost instantly. 8 months or so after that, I started seeing a psychiatrist and was prescribed the medication that I needed, and I'm still on today.
I was enjoying life again, loved being a mom, loved my job, all the things! I got pregnant with my second son, and the first half of pregnancy was incredible. I only craved water and apples and had zero morning sickness. It literally can't get better than that!! Through my pregnancy, my stress level spiked, and my body took note. We were fully renovating our house, living with my in-laws with a 2-year-old, my husband was around less and less, and work was demanding more and more of me. I started having contractions at 20 weeks, and in my third trimester I gained a lot of weight. I don't know how much because I didn't have the time to even weigh myself and I didn't care.
As soon as I gave birth, everything about my body changed -- I CRAVED sugar all the time; anything sweet I wanted to eat it. I ate so much cookie dough and donuts and jam. I didn't attempt breastfeeding or pumping, (well, I tried for one day, but he had the same dairy issue so we chose formula), and I took a lot longer to get back to a non-pregnant body, but I never went back to my pre-pregnancy body.
When I say I was stressed, I mean I was STRESSED. I took on so much at work, which was very emotionally draining (I worked for a religious institution managing everything from what requests the pastors need to see, the weekly newsletter, Sunday service logistics and if there are enough tampons in the bathroom.) In the months following the birth of our second son we also lost power at our house for two separate weeks due to severe weather and had nowhere else to go; my husband took a new job with an HOUR commute each way, and to top it all off, the artificial implant I had put into my neck BROKE. IT BROKE! Post op the second time around, I was in a neck brace 24/7 for 6 weeks. Looking back, I now know that my neck and facial swelling was clearly from the intense surgery, even months later and I should have been a lot nicer to myself. I also got shingles about a week after surgery, and developed inflammatory arthritis a few months later.
Since then (it's been 2 more years) my weight has mostly stayed the same. When I finally quit my job, the drop in stress let me shed pounds effortlessly, and I dropped to my smallest - 138 lbs - but other stressful things piled up. I've given in and bought myself new clothes multiple times, always telling myself that I just need to be nice to my body because it's been through a lot. I'll wear whatever size I fit into and prioritize being healthy. So I got rid of everything and bought size 6... and then they got tight, so I got rid of everything again and got 8s. And now it's all tight again.
Do I just keep buying clothes? Will my body regulate itself again? If I keep going up in size, when do I do something about it? Clothes are expensive, and I love clothes. I have heavily cut down on sweets, started craving savory foods again, and started exercising. Will I ever stay steady? Also, I've had all the blood tests done; it's not my thyroid or anything else health-related. I'm just overweight. Being 2 and a half years postpartum, I think the ship has sailed on hormone regulation as an easy solution. I don't need medical advice or specifics on calorie limits. I just need to hear from another mom that I'll be okay and that one day I'll be able to look at pictures of myself again without shame.