AITA for not wanting to help a friend out when it comes to events?
The story is long, so I'll use bullet points where I can. Also, some details have been changed slightly or left out for privacy.
I have a friend, I'll call her Alexis. We've been friends for well over 10 years. We've helped each other through a lot and basically grew into adulthood together.
We had very different upbringings, although she doesn't really see it that way. One thing we did have in common is that neither of us grew up with much money. I'd say her family was usually a little better off than mine, but neither of us was wealthy.
Because of that, I've become very careful with money. I'm not rich by any means, but I save every month and occasionally spend on things that are important to me. Alexis is the opposite. She impulse buys a lot of things she doesn't really need. I know that comes from how she grew up, where spending money was heavily criticized, so I've never judged her for it. She also has kids, which obviously makes finances harder.
The issue is that there have been several events we've wanted to go to that cost money. Every time, Alexis says she can't afford it or will only buy the absolute cheapest tickets, even if they're so far away to the point where you can't see or have obstructed views. If we're going together, she expects me to do the same.
I've reached the point where I don't want to do that anymore. I'll still go to plenty of things with her, but if it's an event that's really important to me, I don't want to risk missing out or having a poor experience just to save money. We've talked about it before, and while she wasn't happy, I thought she understood.
Apparently not.
Recently, she went to a show with a mutual friend. I skipped it because even the discounted tickets were expensive, and I'd rather save that money for an upcoming trip.
At the show, Alexis apparently told our mutual friend that I was a bad friend. The mutual friend called me the next day because she was confused.
According to her, Alexis said:
- I don't support her
- I don't understand her financial struggles because I have money and she doesn't
- I had family help paying for school and she didn't (true, and I was very lucky)
- I'm intentionally excluding her from events because I know she can't afford them
- I don't even try to plan cheaper activities that fit her budget anymore
Our mutual friend suggested maybe we could focus on cheaper events for a while or help cover some costs occasionally.
I said no.
She asked why, since I've always seemed generous with other people too. So I explained that over the years I've already:
- Paid for groceries when she couldn't afford them
- Covered meals, event tickets, and admissions so we could spend time together
- Paid for her transportation to events, and sometimes her transportation in general
- Planned lower cost activities for years so she could be included, even when they weren't what everyone else wanted to do (we don't do this as much anymore because people are getting to the point where they want to try new things, not do the same thing all the time)
- Given clothes to both her and her kids
- Always bought birthday and holiday gifts for her and her kids
- Let her choose restaurants or activities based on what fit her budget whenever it was just the two of us (or I would find them based on her budget)
There's more, but those are the main examples.
Our mutual friend didn't know about most of that. She just said she'd rather stay out of it, which I completely understood.
A little while later, Alexis called me. She apologized for involving our mutual friend and said she'd just been venting because she was upset.
I asked what she had actually told her because I wanted to hear it from her directly.
She admitted she said she was disappointed that she couldn't come to an upcoming show because of other bills, and that she felt I wasn't being supportive because I wouldn't either skip the show myself or buy the cheapest seats at the very back.
For context, we've sat there before and you can barely see the stage. Regular tickets were about $200, while the cheapest ones were around $100. I told her I was sorry she couldn't come, but I'd been waiting two years for this show and wasn't going to spend that much money just to barely see it.
She started saying that I don't understand what she's going through financially and that they're really struggling.
That's when I finally got frustrated.
I asked why, if money was that tight, she'd recently bought expensive candles, decorative pillows, fancy blankets, and clothing items from Lululemon. I also pointed out that she'd known about this show for eight months and had plenty of time to save if it had been a priority.
She got angry. She said that ever since she had kids I've been less supportive and less willing to accommodate her. I reminded her of everything I'd done over the years, and she accused me of holding those things over her head. I told her I wasn't. I chose to do all of those things because I WANTED to. But I wasn't going to sit there and be called unsupportive after everything I'd done.
She hung up the phone.
We didn't speak for several days. Then she started texting me like nothing had happened. I didn't reply because I felt I was owed an apology. A few weeks later, she started sending messages asking if I was mad at her and saying she was sorry if she'd done something wrong, but she didn't know why I was pulling away. I still didn't respond, because I feel like she should know what the issue is.
Our mutual friend thinks I'm being a little harsh, but I don't think so. I feel like she owes me an apology. I stand by what I said. I'd hate to lose such a long friendship over this, but I'm also at a point in life where I don't want to deal with this kind of behaviour.
One last thing: another mutual friend told me Alexis made a cryptic IG post after our phone call about how people who truly love you will always go to the ends of the earth for you. I never saw it myself because it was deleted, so I can't confirm what it actually said.
So... AITA?
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EDIT: Clarifications and Update
Clarifications:
A lot of people said we've simply grown apart, and I think that's true. I originally thought it was mostly because she was adjusting to becoming a parent, and I hoped things would settle once life got a little less hectic. I'm starting to realize it's more than that.
A lot of people also said I was out of line for criticizing her finances. That's fair. For context, though, I've never commented on how she spends her money before this. I don't agree with some of her choices, but I know a lot of it comes from childhood trauma, so I've always stayed out of it. Other people, including her family, have brought it up over the years, and she usually says shopping is how she copes with stress. The only reason I mentioned it this time was because she'd just spent hundreds of dollars on home decor, including a $400 blanket. If she'd skipped that purchase (or bought something cheaper) she could have afforded the show.
She's also been criticizing my spending lately. That doesn't justify me doing it back, but it definitely added to my frustration. For example, I recently bought a pair of hiking shoes that I'd been saving for over two years. I shared them in our group chat, the same way everyone shares things they're excited about, and she responded with "must be nice to have money."
That wasn't an isolated comment. Over the last few months, she's become increasingly judgmental whenever I mention buying something, traveling, or doing anything that costs money. It feels like I can't share good news with her anymore without getting a negative response.
As far as shows and events go: most of the time, I do buy the cheaper seats so we can go together. I'd say around 7 out of 10 shows are exactly like that. I only choose better seats when it's something that's especially important to me. In those cases, I either go alone or with someone else who also wants that experience.
A few people questioned our mutual friend's role in all this. She's actually much closer to me than she is to Alexis. She's just newer to the friend group and didn't know the history between us. This also isn't the first time Alexis has vented to her about me behind my back. In the past, I ignored it because I didn't want drama. After we talked and I gave her the full context, she said she understood my side and felt Alexis had been unfair and she apologized to me.
This also isn't the first time Alexis has said or done something hurtful and then acted like nothing happened afterward. I've let it slide before because I knew she was dealing with a lot personally, but at some point that stops being an excuse. I'm intentionally keeping those details vague for privacy.
One last piece of context: after she asked how I got my finances in order, I offered to walk her through budgeting and investing. She declined and said investing was a scam.
Now for the update:
I did end up messaging Alexis back, because I didn't want to be a jerk. I apologized for ghosting her, but I also explained why I'd stopped responding. I told her I was hurt by how our last conversation ended, by the fact she'd been talking about me behind my back, and by how judgmental she'd become.
She immediately started explaining that I don't understand her situation because I've never had children. While I don't have kids, I have had dependents before, and she knows that. She talked about how expensive groceries are, how high their rent is, and how overwhelmed she is by her car payment.
I didn't say it, but I wanted to point out that she'd bought a brand-new luxury vehicle last year even though everyone in our friend group had advised against it. Instead, I asked her to help me understand the things she felt I was missing.
She started talking about how stressful it is having a car payment. I reminded her that I drive a 15 year old kind of beat up Honda because I specifically didn't want a car payment. She said that wasn't an option because she wanted newer safety features for her kids. I actually understand that point, so I didn't argue. I just personally don't think that requires a luxury vehicle that also takes premium gas and therefore costs a lot more.
She then talked about how expensive it is to raise kids, which I completely agree with. She also said their grocery bill for a family of four is almost $2,000 a month. That honestly surprised me. Mine is around $350 a month, and I buy plenty of fresh produce and healthy food. Even multiplying that by four doesn't come close to $2,000. I was quiet for a minute while I was processing, because the number just didn't make sense to me.
She noticed my reaction and explained that they only buy meat and cheese from local butchers and artisans, and only buy organic produce because they're trying to avoid chemicals and toxins. She then told me I wouldn't understand because I "don't care about toxins" and I'm fine eating "crap food." Neither of those things is true.
After that, the conversation went downhill.
She accused me of always acting like she's uneducated, even though I've defended her in the past when other people insulted her intelligence. She said I always try to prove I'm better than she is and that I manipulate her into feeling bad about herself. She also told me she'd talked to her husband, who apparently thinks I'M out of touch with reality financially (???) and believes she should distance herself from me.
At that point, I told her I actually agreed that we needed some space. She seemed surprised by that and started crying. She said she doesn't have many friends anymore. I told her that I care about her, but I don't think the way she's been treating me is fair.
I said I needed some distance so I could think clearly before deciding where our friendship goes from here. She asked if one day would be enough. I said probably not, and that I'd reach out when I was ready. We ended the conversation on that note.
A few hours later, she started posting Instagram stories with quotes about how true friendships survive anything, how family is the greatest investment, how being a mother is life's greatest gift, and how money can't buy happiness.
At this point, I think I'm going to keep some distance. I'd rather remember the friendship for the good years than let it become increasingly toxic. It makes me really sad, because we've been close for so long, we talk every day, we're very integrated in each other's lives. There were a lot of things that made her a great friend until she started to change in the last couple years.
Thanks to everyone who read the original post and offered advice.